My passion and life mission is being a part of any effort focused on helping women to live in their passion. Right now, I have a strong interest in what is happening with the women empowerment movement in Ghana. I found this wonderful article on that topic that says it all. I hope you enjoy and will share your comments as well.
http://blogs.myjoyonline.com/sms/2011/03/24/kwaku-sakyi-addo-empowering-the-21st-century-woman-to-transform-her-community/
"Be bold! Be free! Be strong! Be beautiful! Believe!" ~ Kwaku Sakyi-Addo
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Recipe Swap!
Looking for tips and recipes on meals that our Ghanaian husbands might enjoy. I do plan on learning how to prepare the recipes he eats in Ghana. But how about some other recipes you have found out your man enjoys? I think my husband will enjoy some Caribbean and possibly Mexican. Personally, I love Indian and Mediterranean recipes - I am thinking those will also work for him. I definitely plan on grilling up some grub - I know he will enjoy it as much as I do.
Talk to me my sisters or brothers.
Talk to me my sisters or brothers.
Monday, March 21, 2011
God Bless the Child or Children
Considering the fact that my children are probably as old as or older than some of the people who read my blog, the issue of bringing a family together that includes children of one the spouses is not an issue I have to really deal with. Sort of not deal with. I know that my two grown babies and my husband will need to find their way in a relationship unique to them, but, I can't imagine the possible challenges that may have existed if they were younger. I don't really know for sure how involved Ghanaian parents are with their children beyond the strong discipline level that was quite evident and impressive - reminded me of my childhood when children were seen and not heard. When children didn't participate in "grown folk" conversations. Ibrahim and I have had some discussions about the possibility of us bringing a young child into our marriage and I have share with him what parent life is like in the US. Just remembering those days when my grown babies were kids brings back both memories of joy and a lot of tired bones - my bones! Here's a view of how my life was when my babies were really babies.
With their Father
My kids were fortunate through the first half of their childhood because they had the benefit of both a mom and dad living at home with them. Still - life was very hectic! Their father's job was as busy and time consuming as mine was and still is. It was not unusual for either of us to work past an 8 hour day, sometimes bringing work home, and maybe working on the weekends. I would say on average, per year, we both worked 50 hours or more a week - and we were not paid for overtime hours! Oh yeah - almost forgot, we had two kids to take care of during our long 100 hours of work each week. I am going to talk about life past the diapers and milk years - that time period is a novel all to itself.
Once they were both in school our mornings started out with me getting up first and preparing breakfast for the kids. Then the kids got up and I would make sure they were washed (they bathed at night - thank God) and dressed. While I combed my daughter's hair, their father prepared lunch and made sure book bags were ready. Somewhere in between getting them ready we found time to bathe ourselves, brush our teeth, and get dressed - maybe eat breakfast. At that time we only had one car so everybody piled into the one car and all the drop offs were made. We had to put the kids into after school care program because neither of us could leave work early enough to pick them up when school was over. Now after school care didn't play - you better get there before the end of the care period usually around 5:30 or you were going to be pay extra for every 5 minutes you were late. Twice a week one of them had an additional activity after 5:30 - karate class or Girl Scouts or something else. God forbid the events were on the same day at different locations. On a normal day we were probably all home by 6:30 - now somebody needed to make dinner. Their father and I would share in this responsibility - whomever had the most energy would prepare the dinner. As my job began to get busier and busier, their father eventually took over fixing dinner while I helped them with their homework while trying to do my homework from my job. By the time dinner was prepared it was almost time to begin preparation for the next day which included ensuring that all homework was completed, all school papers signed by me or their father, their baths were taken, and their clothes were ironed. We would do what we could do to squeeze in some quality time with the kids - you know, doing the stuff you were looking forward to doing as a parent - enjoying your kid. Then the weekend came - woo hoo! Housework, housework, and more housework. Running the kids to play dates with their friends or another scheduled extracurricular activity and again trying to squeeze in family time for everybody. Sunday was clothes washing day and there were always a lot of clothes to be washed, dried, folded or ironed, then put away. Sunday was usually the best day for finding family time together. Hmmm - I haven't said a thing about finding time for me and their father (my ex-husband). Now why did we divorce? I digress.
Just me as a single mom
Let's just put it this way, everything I said was handled above between two parents fell totally on me when I became a signal mom. Actually, it increased because spending time with them became even more important so that I could stay close to them emotionally while they both went through the terrible teen years. Their extra-curricular interest changed to events that sometimes involved everyday after school activities such as when my daughter was involved with drama programs in high school. She had practice every day when there was a need to prepare for an upcoming show. By this time we had a computer and they were on the internet - horrible time trying to keep up with what they were doing on the net - and I did intercept a couple of not so good situations. Not only was I trying to teach my daughter how to be a lady, I was left with the unfair to my son task of helping him explore what it means to be a man. Unfair because I believe it takes a man to teach a boy how to be a man - I focused on helping him define values that would make him proud to be a man.
The world had changed in the US whereas children could no longer be viewed as "seen and not heard". If you lost contact with your children you may have been at risk for loosing your child to some of the evils of the world - ok, so everything isn't always the best in the US - name a place where it is always the best. Here I was raising two children, working a full time busy job, and trying to finish up some of my education. As for a social life - few and far between.
Back to the point of the blog - I can't even imagine how I would handle all the things that I needed to handle as a single mom while helping my new husband assimilate into his new role in our family while he works to find his place in his new home and with me trying to do what I can to make it easy for him and minimize the impact of his presence on my children. WHEW! I should have entitled this one God bless the Parent who is trying to make all this happen!
Ibrahim and I are not even sure if we are going to be able to manage having a child in the busy life we plan to have together. If we do, I still think it will be a lot easier than for those of you who are blending a family. One thing we have agreed to is that it must be a shared responsibility to raise a child if we have one which means he must be involved in ways differently than how many men in Ghana are involved since, just like my first marriage, we both have to work and we will both probably be in school.
God Bless you all!
With their Father
My kids were fortunate through the first half of their childhood because they had the benefit of both a mom and dad living at home with them. Still - life was very hectic! Their father's job was as busy and time consuming as mine was and still is. It was not unusual for either of us to work past an 8 hour day, sometimes bringing work home, and maybe working on the weekends. I would say on average, per year, we both worked 50 hours or more a week - and we were not paid for overtime hours! Oh yeah - almost forgot, we had two kids to take care of during our long 100 hours of work each week. I am going to talk about life past the diapers and milk years - that time period is a novel all to itself.
Once they were both in school our mornings started out with me getting up first and preparing breakfast for the kids. Then the kids got up and I would make sure they were washed (they bathed at night - thank God) and dressed. While I combed my daughter's hair, their father prepared lunch and made sure book bags were ready. Somewhere in between getting them ready we found time to bathe ourselves, brush our teeth, and get dressed - maybe eat breakfast. At that time we only had one car so everybody piled into the one car and all the drop offs were made. We had to put the kids into after school care program because neither of us could leave work early enough to pick them up when school was over. Now after school care didn't play - you better get there before the end of the care period usually around 5:30 or you were going to be pay extra for every 5 minutes you were late. Twice a week one of them had an additional activity after 5:30 - karate class or Girl Scouts or something else. God forbid the events were on the same day at different locations. On a normal day we were probably all home by 6:30 - now somebody needed to make dinner. Their father and I would share in this responsibility - whomever had the most energy would prepare the dinner. As my job began to get busier and busier, their father eventually took over fixing dinner while I helped them with their homework while trying to do my homework from my job. By the time dinner was prepared it was almost time to begin preparation for the next day which included ensuring that all homework was completed, all school papers signed by me or their father, their baths were taken, and their clothes were ironed. We would do what we could do to squeeze in some quality time with the kids - you know, doing the stuff you were looking forward to doing as a parent - enjoying your kid. Then the weekend came - woo hoo! Housework, housework, and more housework. Running the kids to play dates with their friends or another scheduled extracurricular activity and again trying to squeeze in family time for everybody. Sunday was clothes washing day and there were always a lot of clothes to be washed, dried, folded or ironed, then put away. Sunday was usually the best day for finding family time together. Hmmm - I haven't said a thing about finding time for me and their father (my ex-husband). Now why did we divorce? I digress.
Just me as a single mom
Let's just put it this way, everything I said was handled above between two parents fell totally on me when I became a signal mom. Actually, it increased because spending time with them became even more important so that I could stay close to them emotionally while they both went through the terrible teen years. Their extra-curricular interest changed to events that sometimes involved everyday after school activities such as when my daughter was involved with drama programs in high school. She had practice every day when there was a need to prepare for an upcoming show. By this time we had a computer and they were on the internet - horrible time trying to keep up with what they were doing on the net - and I did intercept a couple of not so good situations. Not only was I trying to teach my daughter how to be a lady, I was left with the unfair to my son task of helping him explore what it means to be a man. Unfair because I believe it takes a man to teach a boy how to be a man - I focused on helping him define values that would make him proud to be a man.
The world had changed in the US whereas children could no longer be viewed as "seen and not heard". If you lost contact with your children you may have been at risk for loosing your child to some of the evils of the world - ok, so everything isn't always the best in the US - name a place where it is always the best. Here I was raising two children, working a full time busy job, and trying to finish up some of my education. As for a social life - few and far between.
Back to the point of the blog - I can't even imagine how I would handle all the things that I needed to handle as a single mom while helping my new husband assimilate into his new role in our family while he works to find his place in his new home and with me trying to do what I can to make it easy for him and minimize the impact of his presence on my children. WHEW! I should have entitled this one God bless the Parent who is trying to make all this happen!
Ibrahim and I are not even sure if we are going to be able to manage having a child in the busy life we plan to have together. If we do, I still think it will be a lot easier than for those of you who are blending a family. One thing we have agreed to is that it must be a shared responsibility to raise a child if we have one which means he must be involved in ways differently than how many men in Ghana are involved since, just like my first marriage, we both have to work and we will both probably be in school.
God Bless you all!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Husband - Head of the Household. What does that mean?
I had a conversation a few days ago with my best friend Alicia regarding some ideas we have been exploring about the work we would like to do in partnership with women in Ghana. The partnership we are hoping to create is one that would involve empowering women through advanced education. It was a wonderful conversation, lots of great ideas were generated. But then, I heard Alicia's brakes come to a screeching halt when I told her that there is one major issue that might be able a barrier to our mission - the perception held by some of our Ghanaian brothers and sisters of the role of women in addition to situations that appear to have the appearance of a caste system. "A caste system is a type of social structure which divides people on the basis of inherited social status." I told her of my observations of how some of the women who appeared to be in domestic service roles were treated with less respect than other women. There were other behaviors I observed that presented a difference in how women were treated when not a part of the immediate family with the mother of a family given the highest amount of respect. Regardless if it were the mother or a domestic service worker, men still assumed the highest position within a family in many respects.
It is not my intention to use this blog to analyze my limited view of women in Ghana. However, what my observations have suggested to me is that a discussion must be held with our husbands regarding what it means for them to be the Head of the Household. More specifically, what does it mean in relation to my role as a partner in my marriage. Are we really partners if one is the Head? What is your definition of the Head of the Household in comparison to your husband's definition? What influence or perspective will the role women play in Ghana have on your relationship?
If you are like me, you have been the "Head" of your household for many years. The buck started and stopped with you. You make all the major decisions as significant as where you should live or what type of car you should purchase down to should you buy margarine or butter. Does the "Head" of the household mean that your decisions can be over-ridden by your husband and he must approve every action? Does it mean you have to report to him on everywhere you go and everyone you talk to and he does not? My sisters, you won't really understand his perspective on how he views his role in your home if you don't explore it from a situation perspective. He might tell you that he views both of you as partners - don't assume his understanding of a partnership is the same as yours. I am not trying to say that he is attempting to mislead you, but, you have to remember that his orientation to relationships and partnerships is different than yours.
So, what if you and your husband have a clear agreement and understanding of the role each of you will play in the marriage and it does include expecting him to take sort of a more lead role (I'm trying to get use to even saying it - I got so much work to do!). I can see a need for an agreement on what he needs to learn about the management of the home before he can fully assume the role he might want to assume. Can you imagine how this action alone may emasculate him if we don't handle it in the right way? Our Ghanaian men are very proud men in their role as a husband and...head of the household (I can't believe how painful that really is for me to receive!). Anyway, when they first get here they may be at a lost for where to begin in their new role. I see our role as a wife being very, very important at this point. We have to make it our responsibility to shore them up in a way that doesn't not make them look or feel diminished in their new role because of the adjustment and learning curve they will have in the beginning. I think the more we can do to begin to educate them before they get here on what is involved in managing a US home the easier it will be. Some basic things include the management of a bank account because some of our men have never had to deal with a bank account since they tend to do most transactions in cash. Consider reviewing each of the household bills with them to help them understand how the billing systems work - I am making my own personal note to do this one with my husband. Send them a copy of a grocery receipt to begin to get them accustomed to what you spend on groceries and what you buy and why. How about US currency - are they familiar with it? You can find websites, like the following, to assist with understanding US currency
http://www.universitylanguage.com/guides/us-currency/ . How about sales tax and let's not forget income taxes? Are you going to have 3 bank accounts - his, mine, and ours or just ours?
Again, this is not about right or wrong - I am just saying you shouldn't assume that you both have the same idea of the role each will play in the household. Awww - don't forget to talk about housework!
It is not my intention to use this blog to analyze my limited view of women in Ghana. However, what my observations have suggested to me is that a discussion must be held with our husbands regarding what it means for them to be the Head of the Household. More specifically, what does it mean in relation to my role as a partner in my marriage. Are we really partners if one is the Head? What is your definition of the Head of the Household in comparison to your husband's definition? What influence or perspective will the role women play in Ghana have on your relationship?
If you are like me, you have been the "Head" of your household for many years. The buck started and stopped with you. You make all the major decisions as significant as where you should live or what type of car you should purchase down to should you buy margarine or butter. Does the "Head" of the household mean that your decisions can be over-ridden by your husband and he must approve every action? Does it mean you have to report to him on everywhere you go and everyone you talk to and he does not? My sisters, you won't really understand his perspective on how he views his role in your home if you don't explore it from a situation perspective. He might tell you that he views both of you as partners - don't assume his understanding of a partnership is the same as yours. I am not trying to say that he is attempting to mislead you, but, you have to remember that his orientation to relationships and partnerships is different than yours.
So, what if you and your husband have a clear agreement and understanding of the role each of you will play in the marriage and it does include expecting him to take sort of a more lead role (I'm trying to get use to even saying it - I got so much work to do!). I can see a need for an agreement on what he needs to learn about the management of the home before he can fully assume the role he might want to assume. Can you imagine how this action alone may emasculate him if we don't handle it in the right way? Our Ghanaian men are very proud men in their role as a husband and...head of the household (I can't believe how painful that really is for me to receive!). Anyway, when they first get here they may be at a lost for where to begin in their new role. I see our role as a wife being very, very important at this point. We have to make it our responsibility to shore them up in a way that doesn't not make them look or feel diminished in their new role because of the adjustment and learning curve they will have in the beginning. I think the more we can do to begin to educate them before they get here on what is involved in managing a US home the easier it will be. Some basic things include the management of a bank account because some of our men have never had to deal with a bank account since they tend to do most transactions in cash. Consider reviewing each of the household bills with them to help them understand how the billing systems work - I am making my own personal note to do this one with my husband. Send them a copy of a grocery receipt to begin to get them accustomed to what you spend on groceries and what you buy and why. How about US currency - are they familiar with it? You can find websites, like the following, to assist with understanding US currency
http://www.universitylanguage.com/guides/us-currency/ . How about sales tax and let's not forget income taxes? Are you going to have 3 bank accounts - his, mine, and ours or just ours?
Again, this is not about right or wrong - I am just saying you shouldn't assume that you both have the same idea of the role each will play in the household. Awww - don't forget to talk about housework!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Topic by Request: What should we do while waiting for our spouses to arrive from Ghana?
To my sisters whose husbands/fiances have safely arrived to the US or soon to arrived, let me say congratulations and Welcome to the US! The same is extended to wives who have recently arrived or will soon arrive to the US - we sometimes forget that it is not only American women who have found love in Ghana. I hope you will all keep us posted on your progress by sharing your lessons in love within an inter-cultural relationship. Now for the rest of us Ladies or Gentlemen in Waiting - how should we be spending our time through this long visa journey?
The first obvious response to that question is that how we spend our time is personal to each of us. The problem is that we sometimes spend so much of that time missing, worrying, feeling lonely, and/or sometimes confused. This doesn't mean we don't feel loved - but, these other feelings put us at risk of loosing our focus on what really matters when we allow these negative empty feelings to dwell longer, and become more powerful, in our lives than they should.
I was asked to start this topic because of a husband who is concerned about his wife managing emotionally through the journey. Just yesterday I was giving in a little to the emotional strain of my separation from my husband. Being the wise and intuitive man that he is (translation - he knows his wife well) in our conversation yesterday evening he could tell I was having "a separation anxiety moment". Hmmm - let me think about that a minute. Was it his intuitiveness that revealed my state of mind or was it the sniffling sounds on my end of the phone accompanied by the baby like voice that just seems to appear whenever I am having "a separation anxiety moment"? Anyway, he said the words that are guaranteed to snap me out of my moment almost every time. He said "baby, I worry about you when you get like this, I feel so helpless to do anything for you" - Whoa! The last thing I ever want to do is to worry my husband and put him in a state of helplessness! That is so unacceptable to me. All of a sudden I feel like a wimp and a punk. Then he said the words that without any doubt or consideration will always heal my ailing soul, he said "I love you" then gave me a very big kiss over the phone line while he was talking to me outside of his home - that's right, a public display of affection! What was there left for me to do but Woman-Up and get back to the business of living my life as I need to do and he expects me to do. Since this is my blog I am going to share with you what I have been doing while waiting for my husband (3 years now) to arrive to the US. Maybe some of my approaches will stir up ideas for others.
Inventory
When I speak of Inventory, I am referring to the process of taking stock of what is and should remain, then eliminating what no longer has purpose for my new life with my husband. This inventory includes both material things and emotional. I'm not sure which one had the most clutter - material or emotional. Every week, sometimes daily, I identify more clutter to sort through. I thought the material aspect would be the easiest to manage - you know the drill, pull out of the stuff in a closet so that you can make space for your husband; sort through it; pick out the stuff you haven't used or touched in two years or more; dispose of the unused items. As you begin to sort through all the stuff, your hidden treasures, the memories of each item begins to flood your mind. There is story associated with every piece of stuff that you moved to the dispose of stack. Then the walk down memory lane begins and slowly you begin convincing yourself why you should keep some of the stuff a little longer. You figure that if you just reorganize the closet in a more efficient manner, you can keep some of the stuff plus make room for your husband. So, you start reorganizing and shifting things around. At the end, you have a very neatly arranged closet including some of your old stuff, and, what's this - there is a little corner left for your husband to store some of his stuff. Mission accomplished! Who are we kidding with this exercise in futility? I have a closet in my guess room that I am about to inventory for the 5th time - especially since I opened the closet door the other day after reaching my arm inside of the closet to move some stuff around so that I could easily open it then was shocked to see the stuff that fell out of the closet when I finally got the door open. It's a work in progress. Just like my emotional closet.
Yes, I have done the same type of inventory on my emotions and habits I have developed over the years. Just like my closet, in an attempt to dispose of them, I will start sorting out the things in my mind that I know are detrimental to a strong marriage - you know, stuff like jealousy, etc. Just my closet, my mind will sometimes start justifying why I need to keep some of those habits and emotions because of what they have meant to me in the past or have protected my other emotions. So I begin the process of trying to re-categorize them in my mind in a way that justifies their existence only to realize that I have left only a small space for my husband to be properly loved in my life - a work in progress. Just like my closet, I realize that sometimes I have to take one item at a time and deal with it. The one thing I have available to me is time - I don't think I would be able to properly perform this type of Inventory if my husband was here, so, I am using my time wisely to prepare for him through my Inventory processes. I must say, I have made some wonderful progress.
Service
What better way to spend your time than in service of others. As a person who has had my share of dealing with chemically caused depression, service is a type of therapy with a purpose that I realized years ago. I am sure many of you are already active in serving others. I am just sharing the other benefits of serving others within your passion. Serving within your passion means identifying what you enjoy doing. What is one thing that makes you feel good about you that you would do at no cost for someone else? I know what my one thing is and I keep myself open for opportunities to share it with others whenever I can. In some cases, I create the opportunity to share my one thing with others. Serving within my passion has strengthened my spirit in an abundant way. My decision to serve within my passion has lead me to begin planning for a potential larger mission designed to serve a larger population.
Physical Improvement
Need I say more here. We all know that there are things in our physical appearance or health that could use some attention. When was the last time you went to the dentist or had an overall physical exam? Years ago I was diagnosed with have a little elevated blood pressure - dang! Over the years I had been reckless with taking my medicine. Since being married I stopped that nonsense - my husband wants to find me here healthy and happy. I am not a slender woman and don't really have an interest in being thin. However, for the purpose of my health and how I want to feel in my clothes I want to drop some of my weight. Here's the interesting thing, I was able to get that process started by joining my husband in fasting during Ramadan. Loss about 20 pounds and have only gained back about 3 - which I have recently loss during my Lent fasting. Fasting has done so much for me both physically and spiritually - it is a gift that I will keep in my life and look forward to doing at least twice a year.
My point in this entire discussion is that we have been given a beautiful gift of time and we received it for a purpose. If we spend that gift in the land of sadness and sorrow we have squandered our gift. Are we going to have moments of sadness - absolutely; it is expected because we are in love and desire being with the one we love. Speaking as a wife, I realize that I must be mindful and careful with the pressure I put on my husband. He is going through the separation with me and he misses me as much as I miss him - he just doesn't do the baby whine and sniffles. As my husband, he sees his role as my protector and wants to do whatever he can to keep me safe and happy. Unfortunately, our situation has limited what he can do for me in that respect - something that causes him stress at times. He reminds me to remember the blessings we do have and to celebrate those blessings everyday as opposed to dwelling on what we don't have.
That's my strategy. Open to more ideas.
The first obvious response to that question is that how we spend our time is personal to each of us. The problem is that we sometimes spend so much of that time missing, worrying, feeling lonely, and/or sometimes confused. This doesn't mean we don't feel loved - but, these other feelings put us at risk of loosing our focus on what really matters when we allow these negative empty feelings to dwell longer, and become more powerful, in our lives than they should.
I was asked to start this topic because of a husband who is concerned about his wife managing emotionally through the journey. Just yesterday I was giving in a little to the emotional strain of my separation from my husband. Being the wise and intuitive man that he is (translation - he knows his wife well) in our conversation yesterday evening he could tell I was having "a separation anxiety moment". Hmmm - let me think about that a minute. Was it his intuitiveness that revealed my state of mind or was it the sniffling sounds on my end of the phone accompanied by the baby like voice that just seems to appear whenever I am having "a separation anxiety moment"? Anyway, he said the words that are guaranteed to snap me out of my moment almost every time. He said "baby, I worry about you when you get like this, I feel so helpless to do anything for you" - Whoa! The last thing I ever want to do is to worry my husband and put him in a state of helplessness! That is so unacceptable to me. All of a sudden I feel like a wimp and a punk. Then he said the words that without any doubt or consideration will always heal my ailing soul, he said "I love you" then gave me a very big kiss over the phone line while he was talking to me outside of his home - that's right, a public display of affection! What was there left for me to do but Woman-Up and get back to the business of living my life as I need to do and he expects me to do. Since this is my blog I am going to share with you what I have been doing while waiting for my husband (3 years now) to arrive to the US. Maybe some of my approaches will stir up ideas for others.
Inventory
When I speak of Inventory, I am referring to the process of taking stock of what is and should remain, then eliminating what no longer has purpose for my new life with my husband. This inventory includes both material things and emotional. I'm not sure which one had the most clutter - material or emotional. Every week, sometimes daily, I identify more clutter to sort through. I thought the material aspect would be the easiest to manage - you know the drill, pull out of the stuff in a closet so that you can make space for your husband; sort through it; pick out the stuff you haven't used or touched in two years or more; dispose of the unused items. As you begin to sort through all the stuff, your hidden treasures, the memories of each item begins to flood your mind. There is story associated with every piece of stuff that you moved to the dispose of stack. Then the walk down memory lane begins and slowly you begin convincing yourself why you should keep some of the stuff a little longer. You figure that if you just reorganize the closet in a more efficient manner, you can keep some of the stuff plus make room for your husband. So, you start reorganizing and shifting things around. At the end, you have a very neatly arranged closet including some of your old stuff, and, what's this - there is a little corner left for your husband to store some of his stuff. Mission accomplished! Who are we kidding with this exercise in futility? I have a closet in my guess room that I am about to inventory for the 5th time - especially since I opened the closet door the other day after reaching my arm inside of the closet to move some stuff around so that I could easily open it then was shocked to see the stuff that fell out of the closet when I finally got the door open. It's a work in progress. Just like my emotional closet.
Yes, I have done the same type of inventory on my emotions and habits I have developed over the years. Just like my closet, in an attempt to dispose of them, I will start sorting out the things in my mind that I know are detrimental to a strong marriage - you know, stuff like jealousy, etc. Just my closet, my mind will sometimes start justifying why I need to keep some of those habits and emotions because of what they have meant to me in the past or have protected my other emotions. So I begin the process of trying to re-categorize them in my mind in a way that justifies their existence only to realize that I have left only a small space for my husband to be properly loved in my life - a work in progress. Just like my closet, I realize that sometimes I have to take one item at a time and deal with it. The one thing I have available to me is time - I don't think I would be able to properly perform this type of Inventory if my husband was here, so, I am using my time wisely to prepare for him through my Inventory processes. I must say, I have made some wonderful progress.
Service
What better way to spend your time than in service of others. As a person who has had my share of dealing with chemically caused depression, service is a type of therapy with a purpose that I realized years ago. I am sure many of you are already active in serving others. I am just sharing the other benefits of serving others within your passion. Serving within your passion means identifying what you enjoy doing. What is one thing that makes you feel good about you that you would do at no cost for someone else? I know what my one thing is and I keep myself open for opportunities to share it with others whenever I can. In some cases, I create the opportunity to share my one thing with others. Serving within my passion has strengthened my spirit in an abundant way. My decision to serve within my passion has lead me to begin planning for a potential larger mission designed to serve a larger population.
Physical Improvement
Need I say more here. We all know that there are things in our physical appearance or health that could use some attention. When was the last time you went to the dentist or had an overall physical exam? Years ago I was diagnosed with have a little elevated blood pressure - dang! Over the years I had been reckless with taking my medicine. Since being married I stopped that nonsense - my husband wants to find me here healthy and happy. I am not a slender woman and don't really have an interest in being thin. However, for the purpose of my health and how I want to feel in my clothes I want to drop some of my weight. Here's the interesting thing, I was able to get that process started by joining my husband in fasting during Ramadan. Loss about 20 pounds and have only gained back about 3 - which I have recently loss during my Lent fasting. Fasting has done so much for me both physically and spiritually - it is a gift that I will keep in my life and look forward to doing at least twice a year.
My point in this entire discussion is that we have been given a beautiful gift of time and we received it for a purpose. If we spend that gift in the land of sadness and sorrow we have squandered our gift. Are we going to have moments of sadness - absolutely; it is expected because we are in love and desire being with the one we love. Speaking as a wife, I realize that I must be mindful and careful with the pressure I put on my husband. He is going through the separation with me and he misses me as much as I miss him - he just doesn't do the baby whine and sniffles. As my husband, he sees his role as my protector and wants to do whatever he can to keep me safe and happy. Unfortunately, our situation has limited what he can do for me in that respect - something that causes him stress at times. He reminds me to remember the blessings we do have and to celebrate those blessings everyday as opposed to dwelling on what we don't have.
That's my strategy. Open to more ideas.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Returning the love to Ghana
Greetings My Dear Sweet Sisters,
Have you ever given thought to what we have done to our beautiful Ghana that we love so much when we remove one of its strongest trees - our men? Of course the removal was not done out of maliciousness - for we would never do anything to intentionally harm our beautiful Ghana whom we love so much. We were not alone in the process of our removal - for the tree embraced us and God blessed us. But, do you ever think about what affect this removal has on the foundation of Ghana or how the sisters in Ghana may feel to see another one of their trees, with branches that can support and comfort them, become uprooted and non-replaced. We have seen the affects the removal and non-replacement of trees have had on forests around the world. No offense to my Caucasian sisters, but, I know how the African American sisters feel every time one of our strong trees lands in the yard of another "white girl".
So why do I think this is a relevant topic? Am I not also a tree remover which I have celebrated over and over again in this blog and in any other situation where someone will listen to me swooning over my beloved husband Ibrahim? I know that a big advantage of our husbands joining us in the US is the opportunity to achieve and sustain a stronger economic situation that will position them to support both their family in the US along with their family in Ghana. Hopefully, their successes with be helping some new seeds to grow and thrive in Ghana. But what about us, my sisters, what are we going to do to replace replace the tree that we have up-rooted?
Today I had a spiritually enriching experience that brought me back to my original purpose for visiting Ghana. I was blessed with an opportunity to be in the presence of about 10 spiritually enlightened women who were gathered for the purpose of discovering what more God wanted from them in their service of Him. In our society we would view these women as successful for each was thriving in a professional career that could only have occurred through years of education. One sister was a Clinical Psychologist, most were health care professionals and just about all of them were educated as ministers. The home where the meeting took place belonged to two of the women who were cousins. Their home had to be upward of 3000 square feet - just gorgeous. These women were humble in their economic accomplishments in the world. But they were vocal and proud in their spiritual relationship with God. Their voices were strong and clear as they spoke their testimonies. When they sang it was like heaven had truly anointed their voices with the power of angels. It was in the midst of their singing that God reminded me of my purpose for visiting Ghana by sending me a visual reminder of what I saw in Ghana. As I listened to the angelic voices that graced the beautiful home where we met, I realized what I was a witness to in Ghana. I met and saw women whose voices were silenced because they were women. My reference to voice means living a life within your passion that has been revealed and is thriving.
I remember seeing so many women working what seemed to be 7 days a week from sun up to sun down - some with their babies on their backs. I am not referring to the rural areas - this is in the city of Accra. Their faces seemed warn with the realities of their life - their lips appeared closed tightly in a non-smiling manner. I remember seeing some of the same ladies late at night sleeping with their children in some of the most obscure places. I remember the young and older women in the house where I stayed - they seemed to work from sun up to sun down without a moment spent on joy. I couldn't wait for the day I was able to take them out on a shopping excursion. Even then they worked as the big strong men who accompanied us would turn over the bags with my purchases to these small but strong women to carry - now you know I corrected that situation immediately - no offense to the cultures, just some things I couldn't sit back and watch. I saw hard working, industrious women managing their own businesses - but still they seemed to have no voice. I remember one night waking up abruptly from the sounds of a thunder storm. The storm outside woke me up, but, it was the memory of my beautiful black sisters I saw over the last day that was tugging at my heart - and I wept while sitting in the safe comfort of my room in the loving home where I stayed during my 2 week vacation.
I must add that I also saw and met women who did have a voice. I met two dynamic Ghanaian women who created and managed successful schools. I established a strong bond with another sister who had a dress making business managed in her home and to my joy upon my second visit I found her in her own dress shop. One of my sister-in-laws is in the military studying to be a doctor. But even these women at times find their voices quieted in the presence of men.
Several times in this blog I have mentioned my purpose for my initial travel to Ghana in 2008. That purpose was to understand what life was like for my sisters in Ghana. My vacation was scheduled for two weeks. I have already told you about my second week - God presented me with and to Ibrahim - the man who was to be and now is my husband. You now have a glimpse into my second week.
If you haven't figured out yet, my tree replacement act that I would like to fulfill is being an active participant in the process of helping one or more women in Ghana find their voice and the confidence to share it with the beautiful angelic fervor of the women I met today. Ghana has very bright future ahead as a potentially fast developing country from an economic perspective. More and more businesses are becoming interested in Ghana - I want my sisters in Ghana to be ready for the day ahead of them, not left behind. I don't know how or when but this is my commitment to my sisters I have met and left behind in Ghana. I begin with praying that their voices are revealed and that the men in Ghana who understand the need for this voice to be heard provide them with the encouragement and support needed to carry that voice far and wide.
What are you going to do to enrich Ghana after Ghana has given so much to you?
Have you ever given thought to what we have done to our beautiful Ghana that we love so much when we remove one of its strongest trees - our men? Of course the removal was not done out of maliciousness - for we would never do anything to intentionally harm our beautiful Ghana whom we love so much. We were not alone in the process of our removal - for the tree embraced us and God blessed us. But, do you ever think about what affect this removal has on the foundation of Ghana or how the sisters in Ghana may feel to see another one of their trees, with branches that can support and comfort them, become uprooted and non-replaced. We have seen the affects the removal and non-replacement of trees have had on forests around the world. No offense to my Caucasian sisters, but, I know how the African American sisters feel every time one of our strong trees lands in the yard of another "white girl".
So why do I think this is a relevant topic? Am I not also a tree remover which I have celebrated over and over again in this blog and in any other situation where someone will listen to me swooning over my beloved husband Ibrahim? I know that a big advantage of our husbands joining us in the US is the opportunity to achieve and sustain a stronger economic situation that will position them to support both their family in the US along with their family in Ghana. Hopefully, their successes with be helping some new seeds to grow and thrive in Ghana. But what about us, my sisters, what are we going to do to replace replace the tree that we have up-rooted?
Today I had a spiritually enriching experience that brought me back to my original purpose for visiting Ghana. I was blessed with an opportunity to be in the presence of about 10 spiritually enlightened women who were gathered for the purpose of discovering what more God wanted from them in their service of Him. In our society we would view these women as successful for each was thriving in a professional career that could only have occurred through years of education. One sister was a Clinical Psychologist, most were health care professionals and just about all of them were educated as ministers. The home where the meeting took place belonged to two of the women who were cousins. Their home had to be upward of 3000 square feet - just gorgeous. These women were humble in their economic accomplishments in the world. But they were vocal and proud in their spiritual relationship with God. Their voices were strong and clear as they spoke their testimonies. When they sang it was like heaven had truly anointed their voices with the power of angels. It was in the midst of their singing that God reminded me of my purpose for visiting Ghana by sending me a visual reminder of what I saw in Ghana. As I listened to the angelic voices that graced the beautiful home where we met, I realized what I was a witness to in Ghana. I met and saw women whose voices were silenced because they were women. My reference to voice means living a life within your passion that has been revealed and is thriving.
I remember seeing so many women working what seemed to be 7 days a week from sun up to sun down - some with their babies on their backs. I am not referring to the rural areas - this is in the city of Accra. Their faces seemed warn with the realities of their life - their lips appeared closed tightly in a non-smiling manner. I remember seeing some of the same ladies late at night sleeping with their children in some of the most obscure places. I remember the young and older women in the house where I stayed - they seemed to work from sun up to sun down without a moment spent on joy. I couldn't wait for the day I was able to take them out on a shopping excursion. Even then they worked as the big strong men who accompanied us would turn over the bags with my purchases to these small but strong women to carry - now you know I corrected that situation immediately - no offense to the cultures, just some things I couldn't sit back and watch. I saw hard working, industrious women managing their own businesses - but still they seemed to have no voice. I remember one night waking up abruptly from the sounds of a thunder storm. The storm outside woke me up, but, it was the memory of my beautiful black sisters I saw over the last day that was tugging at my heart - and I wept while sitting in the safe comfort of my room in the loving home where I stayed during my 2 week vacation.
I must add that I also saw and met women who did have a voice. I met two dynamic Ghanaian women who created and managed successful schools. I established a strong bond with another sister who had a dress making business managed in her home and to my joy upon my second visit I found her in her own dress shop. One of my sister-in-laws is in the military studying to be a doctor. But even these women at times find their voices quieted in the presence of men.
Several times in this blog I have mentioned my purpose for my initial travel to Ghana in 2008. That purpose was to understand what life was like for my sisters in Ghana. My vacation was scheduled for two weeks. I have already told you about my second week - God presented me with and to Ibrahim - the man who was to be and now is my husband. You now have a glimpse into my second week.
If you haven't figured out yet, my tree replacement act that I would like to fulfill is being an active participant in the process of helping one or more women in Ghana find their voice and the confidence to share it with the beautiful angelic fervor of the women I met today. Ghana has very bright future ahead as a potentially fast developing country from an economic perspective. More and more businesses are becoming interested in Ghana - I want my sisters in Ghana to be ready for the day ahead of them, not left behind. I don't know how or when but this is my commitment to my sisters I have met and left behind in Ghana. I begin with praying that their voices are revealed and that the men in Ghana who understand the need for this voice to be heard provide them with the encouragement and support needed to carry that voice far and wide.
What are you going to do to enrich Ghana after Ghana has given so much to you?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Do you remember the first time you said goodbye to your husband at the airport?
That is one memory that will never leave my mind, and it was actually worse the second time. I believe I cried all the way across the ocean, into the night after getting home, and at least for a week. Talk about Cry Me A River! The empty space beside me in the bed, in the car, while walking through a mall became more obvious and pronounced. My heart felt like it had been cut in half with the other half so many miles away. I found myself reaching out for his hand and finding no hand responding to mine. After being able to see his face, his eyes, his smile, hear his voice, his laughter, returning to chatting on line lost its luster for awhile. Looking over and over and over the hundreds of pictures we took together - seeing my beautiful Ghana. Wrapping myself up at night in his shirt that he gave me - his sweet scent so prevalent in the material.
I have never loved this way before. I will proudly be what he needs me to be as his wife because he is worthy of it, of me. I will always remember the first time and every time I have said goodbye to my husband at the airport - with that image in mind, I will thank God for every year, every day, every minute, every second, and every moment we have together as man and wife.
I have never loved this way before. I will proudly be what he needs me to be as his wife because he is worthy of it, of me. I will always remember the first time and every time I have said goodbye to my husband at the airport - with that image in mind, I will thank God for every year, every day, every minute, every second, and every moment we have together as man and wife.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Ghanaian Men Enslaved by American Wives?
Sisters, did you know that there is a rumor going around Ghana that we are treating our Ghanaian husbands as slaves? Before you get pissed off, lets explore the situation.
I have already made sure my husband knows when he gets here that I will be expecting him to share in the management of our household which includes cooking, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, straightening up the living room and guest room, vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, washing floors, washing clothes, ironing clothes, folding clothes, organizing, changing light bulbs, taking out the trash, paying bills, coordinating the routine car maintenance, possibly painting walls, hanging pictures, grocery shopping and whatever else I forgot to mention. If we had a yard his work would also involve maintenance of the yard, snow removal, and raking leaves. Just in case he didn't fully understand what his role would be, I made sure that he understood that in the US if someone is unemployed (which he will probably be for a month or more) they are responsible for managing the home while the other spouse works. When both spouses are working, we figure out how to share the responsibilities based on each others work schedule.
Am I the only one who has had this conversation or even considered having this conversation with their husband or fiance? Doesn't this list sound like a job description?
Ok sisters - we have all visited Ghana. Question - from what you observed while there, who was responsible for these household tasks in Ghana? What roles did you see men play in Ghana versus women versus paid domestic help?
Keeping it real, I want to believe that most of us would not really expect our husbands to do all the things listed above just because they are not working - but, keeping it real, we will expect some of it to be done. Ibrahim's response to me when I told him what I expected him to contribute to the housework was that he planned to do what can to help manage our household. He said he knows things are different in the US as it relates to the role men play in managing the household. (He's so brave and he definitely knows what to say to keep me from arguing with him. LOL!)
Now I know he is capable of doing everything on the list - might need a little training in a few of the times. But, what are we really talking about here? Is the issue whether or not they can do or will do it? No - neither one is the issue. The issue is what are they accustomed to doing. More specifically, are the things we may be expecting them to do counter to the role they have been conditioned to believe men play in a home? Only you can answer that question after discussing it with your husband. I'm not talking about giving them an excuse to not contribute at a fair level towards the management of the home. I'm talking about understanding the cultural transition we may be expecting them to just do without hesitation or question because it makes sense to us and it is what we do in the US - please don't say: but they are in the US now and not Ghana!
Here's another point - if they have never performed some of the household tasks you are expecting them to assist you with, how can you expect them to perform it to your liking without you teaching them what to do? Example - If you have never seen your husband use a microwave, don't assume he knows to not put aluminum or other metallic food containers in the micro-wave. You already know how wise and smart your man is - but, just like you - he doesn't know everything. Whatever you do, don't treat or talk to him like he is a child! Be patient and gradually introduce him to the various tasks around the house. Don't expect him to clean as you clean or to initiate the cleaning of the things you know should be cleaned. Find out which tasks he might be more comfortable doing than others. Talk about these things before he gets here. When he arrives, be patient by allowing him some space to get the "lay of the land". Don't expect him to spend his transition time cleaning the home everyday. I know if I were Ghanaian man who just arrived to the states and I am immediately hit with a long list of chores and responsibilities that I may not have had in Ghana, I would probably feel like a slave too! I hope Ibrahim hasn't changed his mind about coming to America - I think I need to rethink my conversation I had with him about what I expect.
Here's a perspective for my brothers - listen to my typical week day. I am up around 6 or 6:30 (sometimes earlier) and I am off to work anywhere between 7:30 - 8:30. My time in the office can last anywhere from 8- 10 (sometimes 12) hours per day. Sometimes I bring more work home to be completed during the night or early morning hours. You can believe that when I get home from work, I am not thinking about doing a lot or any housework - sometimes that includes cooking. I am tired as a slave who was working in the field all day under the hot sun - wait a minute, that's a bit of a stretch! Just know that after working a day as I described does not leave much energy for a night of housework. Guess what, when Ibrahim starts working and going to school his days will probably be as long - if not longer than my days. We are going to need to collaborate on a plan for maintaining the household. As I should not expect you to perform as full time maid you can't expect to leave it all up to me. Most of us don't use maid service - far more expensive in the US than Ghana. Remember, by the time you get here, some of us will be quite financially broke after supporting the visa process, visiting Ghana, and paying for all those long distance calls. Most of us don't have our momma's living with nor are our momma's expecting to come to our home to cook and clean for us.
I did a little searching on the net for websites that might be helpful in the process of planning and learning how to manage a household. Check them out:
http://www.money-zine.com/Financial-Planning/Debt-Consolidation/Household-Budget-Basics/
http://cleaning.lovetoknow.com/Weekly_Checklist_for_House_Cleaning
http://www.wikihow.com/Cut-the-Grass
http://www.ehow.com/housekeeping/
In closing I say take the shackles off your man and create a collaborative partnership! Holla!
I have already made sure my husband knows when he gets here that I will be expecting him to share in the management of our household which includes cooking, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen, straightening up the living room and guest room, vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, washing floors, washing clothes, ironing clothes, folding clothes, organizing, changing light bulbs, taking out the trash, paying bills, coordinating the routine car maintenance, possibly painting walls, hanging pictures, grocery shopping and whatever else I forgot to mention. If we had a yard his work would also involve maintenance of the yard, snow removal, and raking leaves. Just in case he didn't fully understand what his role would be, I made sure that he understood that in the US if someone is unemployed (which he will probably be for a month or more) they are responsible for managing the home while the other spouse works. When both spouses are working, we figure out how to share the responsibilities based on each others work schedule.
Am I the only one who has had this conversation or even considered having this conversation with their husband or fiance? Doesn't this list sound like a job description?
Ok sisters - we have all visited Ghana. Question - from what you observed while there, who was responsible for these household tasks in Ghana? What roles did you see men play in Ghana versus women versus paid domestic help?
Keeping it real, I want to believe that most of us would not really expect our husbands to do all the things listed above just because they are not working - but, keeping it real, we will expect some of it to be done. Ibrahim's response to me when I told him what I expected him to contribute to the housework was that he planned to do what can to help manage our household. He said he knows things are different in the US as it relates to the role men play in managing the household. (He's so brave and he definitely knows what to say to keep me from arguing with him. LOL!)
Now I know he is capable of doing everything on the list - might need a little training in a few of the times. But, what are we really talking about here? Is the issue whether or not they can do or will do it? No - neither one is the issue. The issue is what are they accustomed to doing. More specifically, are the things we may be expecting them to do counter to the role they have been conditioned to believe men play in a home? Only you can answer that question after discussing it with your husband. I'm not talking about giving them an excuse to not contribute at a fair level towards the management of the home. I'm talking about understanding the cultural transition we may be expecting them to just do without hesitation or question because it makes sense to us and it is what we do in the US - please don't say: but they are in the US now and not Ghana!
Here's another point - if they have never performed some of the household tasks you are expecting them to assist you with, how can you expect them to perform it to your liking without you teaching them what to do? Example - If you have never seen your husband use a microwave, don't assume he knows to not put aluminum or other metallic food containers in the micro-wave. You already know how wise and smart your man is - but, just like you - he doesn't know everything. Whatever you do, don't treat or talk to him like he is a child! Be patient and gradually introduce him to the various tasks around the house. Don't expect him to clean as you clean or to initiate the cleaning of the things you know should be cleaned. Find out which tasks he might be more comfortable doing than others. Talk about these things before he gets here. When he arrives, be patient by allowing him some space to get the "lay of the land". Don't expect him to spend his transition time cleaning the home everyday. I know if I were Ghanaian man who just arrived to the states and I am immediately hit with a long list of chores and responsibilities that I may not have had in Ghana, I would probably feel like a slave too! I hope Ibrahim hasn't changed his mind about coming to America - I think I need to rethink my conversation I had with him about what I expect.
Here's a perspective for my brothers - listen to my typical week day. I am up around 6 or 6:30 (sometimes earlier) and I am off to work anywhere between 7:30 - 8:30. My time in the office can last anywhere from 8- 10 (sometimes 12) hours per day. Sometimes I bring more work home to be completed during the night or early morning hours. You can believe that when I get home from work, I am not thinking about doing a lot or any housework - sometimes that includes cooking. I am tired as a slave who was working in the field all day under the hot sun - wait a minute, that's a bit of a stretch! Just know that after working a day as I described does not leave much energy for a night of housework. Guess what, when Ibrahim starts working and going to school his days will probably be as long - if not longer than my days. We are going to need to collaborate on a plan for maintaining the household. As I should not expect you to perform as full time maid you can't expect to leave it all up to me. Most of us don't use maid service - far more expensive in the US than Ghana. Remember, by the time you get here, some of us will be quite financially broke after supporting the visa process, visiting Ghana, and paying for all those long distance calls. Most of us don't have our momma's living with nor are our momma's expecting to come to our home to cook and clean for us.
I did a little searching on the net for websites that might be helpful in the process of planning and learning how to manage a household. Check them out:
http://www.money-zine.com/Financial-Planning/Debt-Consolidation/Household-Budget-Basics/
http://cleaning.lovetoknow.com/Weekly_Checklist_for_House_Cleaning
http://www.wikihow.com/Cut-the-Grass
http://www.ehow.com/housekeeping/
In closing I say take the shackles off your man and create a collaborative partnership! Holla!
100 Ways You Can Love Your Husband
I found this on a random website I found while browsing around for information for my blog. I thought it was interesting and might spark some conversation. Enjoy!
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (Dave Ramsey)
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion and giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes a positive experience. (And then ease into the negative if it’s necessary.)
17. Give him half an hour to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Remember that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he’s tired—sometimes men can feel “flooded” by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a little while after he comes home from work. Arrange ahead of time to take your “time out”, giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him— let him sleep in, bring him coffee and/or breakfast in bed, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Family’s are spared grief when a husband isn’t required to read their wife’s mind despite the fact that the wife thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
(Author Unknown)
Discuss this list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use these suggestions —but keep in mind that they are only suggestions, and not all of them have to be used. (If interested, there’s a list under the “Romantic Ideas” topic which gives husbands 100 ideas, as well.)1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (Dave Ramsey)
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion and giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes a positive experience. (And then ease into the negative if it’s necessary.)
17. Give him half an hour to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Remember that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he’s tired—sometimes men can feel “flooded” by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a little while after he comes home from work. Arrange ahead of time to take your “time out”, giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him— let him sleep in, bring him coffee and/or breakfast in bed, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Family’s are spared grief when a husband isn’t required to read their wife’s mind despite the fact that the wife thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Looking for tips on preparing for husband's arrival
I received a request for this post. One of our sisters wants to hear what others have done or are doing to prepare for the arrival of their husband or fiance. Here's what she said:
"I know everybody is excited about seeing their husbands and seeing an end to the visa process. But what I want to know is for those who have only seen their husband on a few visits after connecting online what are you doing to prepare yourself for someone who sort of is a stranger to move into your home? Suppose there are children involved? Suppose you have never been married? What are you going to do if he can't get a job for a long time? I know I took a big chance meeting a strange man in another country. I feel like I know him well but in many ways he is still a stranger."
Let's see what ideas and thoughts are out there.
"I know everybody is excited about seeing their husbands and seeing an end to the visa process. But what I want to know is for those who have only seen their husband on a few visits after connecting online what are you doing to prepare yourself for someone who sort of is a stranger to move into your home? Suppose there are children involved? Suppose you have never been married? What are you going to do if he can't get a job for a long time? I know I took a big chance meeting a strange man in another country. I feel like I know him well but in many ways he is still a stranger."
Let's see what ideas and thoughts are out there.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Lessons I have learned
It was a week ago today that I started this blog. Since that time, the blog has 20 posts, 89 comments, and 1,150 page views, with 14 identified followers. After numerous conversations with sisters and brothers in inter-cultural relationships between the US and Ghana I realized there were a number of common scenarios we were all facing as it relates to the visa process and creating and sustaining a relationship filled with challenges out of our control. Yes, there are some things that you might associate with cultural. However, after reading all the comments here and those I received outside of this blog I have three observations that I would like to share:
First, there are some powerful love connections being made between the US and Ghana. Most began through online connections. Even though I was the only person who posted my love story I know of so many other beautiful stories between Ghanains and Americans. I know of a couple who recently were reunited in the US just in time for their baby to be born. I remember the husband telling me that all he wanted to do was to greet his wife at the airport and plant a sweet kiss on her beautiful belly. I know of at least two couples who have come together both in love and within ministries focused on helping children and others in Ghana. I have heard women speak so proudly about their ability to respect their husband's wish to not demonstrate public displays of affection - because they know how much that man loves them and this is just a small accommodation to make. The words of love expressed so easily on face book by the husbands. Two of my new friends got married within the last six months and they speak of their husbands as if they are already living here in the states.Then there are the couples that have reached the joy of coming together in the US. One thing has been consistent, the love that was created between them that was tested through years of waiting through the visa process has not crumbled even through the challenges of the transition.
It seems like we are always hearing about those bad situations when someone from the US and Africa have come together in a fraudulent relationship (sometimes both parties are involved in the fraud). How often do you hear these beautiful stories of real love between people from the US and Africa? Like most things, we tend to recognize and promote the negative gossipy things.
Second- I was talking to my husband (I think he is getting a little tired of my relationship discussions - starting to treat him like a girlfriend - I need to check myself here) and I said to him that it seems like most of the challenges people are talking about are not always due to the differences in culture. I mean, think about it, if you remove all the things that we think have to do with cultural differences are we saying that our relationships will be perfect? When you were not in an inter-cultural relationship (aren't all relationships inter-cultural to some degree) did everything go smoothly? Are we missing some fundamental things that should be done in every relationship and simply blaming our challenges on the differences in our culture? Think about it. When all is said an done isn't the issue usually a need for communication that includes active listening, thoughtfulness, and respect?
Third, we are being too loose with disrespectful comments of other cultures. I have heard things said about both Americans and Ghanaians that were so ugly - I'm sure I am guilty here as well. What is wrong with us - the moment we don't understand we harshly criticize. There is way too much beauty in both countries for us to be so slanderous and egocentric. I believe there are more things that we have in common than don't have in common - that includes both the good and the bad.
I told my husband that in some ways this blog may be helpful, but, I question the possibility of it also contributing to people using culture as an excuse for not doing the work needed to make their relationship a success. He said that it is possible. (At this point, I decided to give him a break and we continued our conversation about one of his favorite subjects - food!)
Let me end this discussion with sharing what Ibrahim and I are trying to do - we have decided to create our own culture - one that works uniquely for the both of us and includes respect for those non-negotiable areas of our individual cultures. Many of you have already begun to do this - think about the issue of public displays of affection. Have you not figured out how to balance out each others needs in this area in a way that works best for you and no one else?
I do hope as couples you will read the posts and comments on this blog. Hanson Ewan expressed it so clearly when he asked me if we were really going through all the hurdles discussed in the chat. You can't expect someone to understand what they don't know - the best way to get to know is through talking - not nagging, talking; and listening, not just saying you heard someone, actively listen. As my husband would tell me, we are making this thing way to complicated. Remember why you fell in love - start there.
First, there are some powerful love connections being made between the US and Ghana. Most began through online connections. Even though I was the only person who posted my love story I know of so many other beautiful stories between Ghanains and Americans. I know of a couple who recently were reunited in the US just in time for their baby to be born. I remember the husband telling me that all he wanted to do was to greet his wife at the airport and plant a sweet kiss on her beautiful belly. I know of at least two couples who have come together both in love and within ministries focused on helping children and others in Ghana. I have heard women speak so proudly about their ability to respect their husband's wish to not demonstrate public displays of affection - because they know how much that man loves them and this is just a small accommodation to make. The words of love expressed so easily on face book by the husbands. Two of my new friends got married within the last six months and they speak of their husbands as if they are already living here in the states.Then there are the couples that have reached the joy of coming together in the US. One thing has been consistent, the love that was created between them that was tested through years of waiting through the visa process has not crumbled even through the challenges of the transition.
It seems like we are always hearing about those bad situations when someone from the US and Africa have come together in a fraudulent relationship (sometimes both parties are involved in the fraud). How often do you hear these beautiful stories of real love between people from the US and Africa? Like most things, we tend to recognize and promote the negative gossipy things.
Second- I was talking to my husband (I think he is getting a little tired of my relationship discussions - starting to treat him like a girlfriend - I need to check myself here) and I said to him that it seems like most of the challenges people are talking about are not always due to the differences in culture. I mean, think about it, if you remove all the things that we think have to do with cultural differences are we saying that our relationships will be perfect? When you were not in an inter-cultural relationship (aren't all relationships inter-cultural to some degree) did everything go smoothly? Are we missing some fundamental things that should be done in every relationship and simply blaming our challenges on the differences in our culture? Think about it. When all is said an done isn't the issue usually a need for communication that includes active listening, thoughtfulness, and respect?
Third, we are being too loose with disrespectful comments of other cultures. I have heard things said about both Americans and Ghanaians that were so ugly - I'm sure I am guilty here as well. What is wrong with us - the moment we don't understand we harshly criticize. There is way too much beauty in both countries for us to be so slanderous and egocentric. I believe there are more things that we have in common than don't have in common - that includes both the good and the bad.
I told my husband that in some ways this blog may be helpful, but, I question the possibility of it also contributing to people using culture as an excuse for not doing the work needed to make their relationship a success. He said that it is possible. (At this point, I decided to give him a break and we continued our conversation about one of his favorite subjects - food!)
Let me end this discussion with sharing what Ibrahim and I are trying to do - we have decided to create our own culture - one that works uniquely for the both of us and includes respect for those non-negotiable areas of our individual cultures. Many of you have already begun to do this - think about the issue of public displays of affection. Have you not figured out how to balance out each others needs in this area in a way that works best for you and no one else?
I do hope as couples you will read the posts and comments on this blog. Hanson Ewan expressed it so clearly when he asked me if we were really going through all the hurdles discussed in the chat. You can't expect someone to understand what they don't know - the best way to get to know is through talking - not nagging, talking; and listening, not just saying you heard someone, actively listen. As my husband would tell me, we are making this thing way to complicated. Remember why you fell in love - start there.
Facebook Chat with Hanson Ewans - The reason for this blog!
March 6, 2011
9:15am hey mrs kassim
9:16am Hello Mr. Ewans.
9:16am hahahahahaha how r u?
9:16am LOL. I am well. I am happy that you have enjoyed the blog. Hope all is well with you.
9:17am oh all is well am even at work
9:17am Oh my - well then I am honored to have your attention right now.
9:17am lol wen skyla came, i saw ur husband mr kassim
9:18am Wish I could have seen him and met everyone else. Miss him more than I can express.
9:19am oh hmmmmm he was such a calm man
9:19am That's my husband - they call him Standfirm
9:20am hahahahahahahahahaha abt ur blogs
9:20am Talk to me
9:21am k do u really go into all dis husle all the time before d man gets der?
9:22am Everything you have read is 100% true. This is not an easy journey.
9:23am its tooooo much
9:24am I am in contact with a number of people who are going through the journey and I have found way too many similarities. The biggest issue is that the women feel very alone through the process because often times your family and friends don't trust the relationship and are waiting to hear it fail.
9:24am wow God be with any lady going through this right now
9:25am As a result, the women have no one to talk to - but we have found each other. Some marriages/relationships have failed because of these issues. I am in contact with a few women who are really struggling through their relationship now that their husband is with them.
9:25am struggling again? how, why
9:26am I know the men don't fully understand what their wives are going through just as the women don't fully understand who their men are as Ghanaian men.
9:26am we r very simple to understand onless the man is not geniue
9:27am I have found that to be true about men in general - it is the woman that is complicated.
One area I have come to learn women don't understand is the male ego.
9:28am yh
9:28am The male ego is what defines the man - it is where his values and principles and perception of life rests. It is strong but fragile - and we women are not careful in our treatment of men in this area - we will quickly step on the fragile part of a man's ego.
9:29am yes therefore it is always god to study that part of hijm very well... and i promise u will live with him happilly ever after
9:31am So I have learned and still learning. On the flip side, men need to understand the vulnerability of a woman's self-esteem. This is where you will find all of her fears.
Men sometimes view this side only as a weakness. The truth is the woman works very hard to mask this side everyday in order to survive. It is the area where a man can help a woman grow to be stronger. Pay attention when she cries - what is really going on behind the scene that resulted in her tears? It is not always obvious - we know that Ghanaian men don't handle women crying very well. My husband has helped me to toughen up in this area a little - my tears are very focused and clear now (if that makes any sense). He is a little more sensitive and understanding when it happens.
9:34am wow
9:36am The biggest issue is that we really need to talk more - women can't begin to understand you guys if you don't reveal yourself - saying things like baby, I felt like this, when you said that to me - now that would have a major impact on your relationship. Please add a comment on my blog and encourage your friends to do so as well. These women only want to learn how to love you.
9:37am oh okay
9:37am
I would love to post our chat on my blog. Do I have your permission - I won't include your name.
9:37am i guess u will be connecting me to some princess soon
9:38am lol
9:38am oh go ahead
9:38am Keep reading the blog and let me know if you are up to the challenge and we shall see what can be done.
9:38am hahahahahahahahaha i will k
9:40am Do you want to be posted as anonymous or do you want me to identify you?
9:40am yh i dentify me k or it can go agains me?
9:41am You are awesome. I am confident that the women will appreciate your honesty. Hopefully, it will encourage other men to raise some questions.
9:43am ok - watch for your posting
9:43am hmmm i will
9:43am lol - bye bye for now
9:44am chao\
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