I sent out a request for comments to the following:
My husband, Ibrahim, said that he heard that the American women change as soon as the men reach there - it is like they don't know them at all.
My response to Ibrahim was the following: I have heard that the men are not as attentive and loving as they were when they were in Ghana which makes the women feel like they weren't sincere about the marriage.
I will post the reactions I receive as I get them then I will share the discussion between me and Ibrahim on this one. Please be open and sensitive to the feelings and points of view that may be shared. Again, it is not about who is right or wrong - it is about understanding and trying to learn from different perspectives.
Comment from LonelyOne:
ReplyDeleteIt is different when we will be together here in the states it is not vacation. There is work that has to be done to pay the bills and stresses of everyday life along with the changes the men are trying to adjust to from what I have heard food differences are a big issue. I am scared how things will go when my husband does get here will we be cooking 2 meals for sometime or will we be able to try to cook each style every other day until we decide how it will work out better. I have tried to talk to my husband to prepare for this step and all he says is we will manage. I want to have some things ready at the house for his arrival if I can find his foods locally so that he does have some foods to eat. I have a cousin that is married to a Tunisian man and when they go on vacation there he brings back some of their spices so that he can cook foods with the flavors he likes from there but when I mention to my husband to bring some spices etc. it is like he does not want to try. I don't understand why.
As far as the men being attentive... totally agree and maybe that is why we appear to change to them because we are wondering if their love is or was true? I use to get phone calls (at least a buzz) and/or online chats EVERYDAY! Now it is hard to tell he has a phone! We do chat but even that is different like we have ran out of things to talk about. I miss the pre-marriage days. I want to feel like I am the only girl in the world to him! Like I am his African Queen, yes he use to sing to me too. I wonder how it will be when he is able to be here. I want to go back to visit this next year as I know we are about 2 years from getting him here if things remain at the same pace at the embassy. He does not want me to come again because it is too hard for him when I leave, but how about how hard it is for me to be away from him? What about the fact that I WILL be at the embassy for his interview because I do not want them to deny or postpone again if I can do anything about it. I want the embassy to know I am serious and will not back down without a very good reason! I don't want to hear that they asked if I had been back since our marriage and him have to tell them no and have a denial like we are not in an ongoing, loving, and committed relationship.
All in all distance makes it all so hard because we can not always hear tone of voice or body language. What might start out as a joke or concern turns in to a fight, where if they could hear the hurt in our voice and see that we were saddened by an event, or hear a joking tone in our voice and the smile on our face maybe the reaction would be different?
Comment from Found True Love in Ghana:
ReplyDeleteMy husband knows who I am here and there... He helps me through my daily life here and nothing is different. We share everything in our lives and even though he isn't here yet I don't believe he will ever say I have changed. I also don't believe he will change he is as constant there in person and on the phone and with everyone he talks to about us. So I think it is unfortunate that some of are having problems when it comes to these issues but I think the culture differences are mostly what causes the difference. That is my opinion as of now and Pray and Hope my love and life with my husband will always be as good and loving at it is today.
I belive the differences here in the states and how things are in Ghana affect the spouse greatly and some adjust better than other ans as we go away sometimes and get home sick I belive they do also. After all most of them only have their spouse here and not the extended family they were used to and also the friendships they have there. I always pray each one adjusts well and will be happy with the decision he or she has made coming to the states.
ReplyDeleteMy husband always says be true to your word, never make a promise you don't intend to keep and love is everything and without it we are nothing. Material possesions and physical appearance is nothing it is all about God and the heart.... I trust and believe in this as well.. We belive God placed a together and we will always be together. Our love is strong dedicated and caring never selfish or self centered our happiness depends on each other. We been together over 2 years and married for over a year and I have been to Ghana 4 times and lived with him has husband and wife so I believe we and many others like us will be fine. My prayers to all you... and may God speed up the visa process for all of us who are waiting to bring our loved ones here.
ReplyDeletemy own experience
ReplyDeletethe whole process has been very hectic for my self and my husby.we went through a lot in getting my papers ready since 2008 and we are still in it.a time comes when i feel rejected and abandoned.my husby is the busy type so we dont get to talk a lot and share each others experience and this has always left in a bad mood.sometimes i feel like lettimg go and start a new relationship with someone in my country but the love we got for each other never allowed me to let go.my husband will always tell me to be patient and hold on for everythimg will normalise.he advises me all thge time and assures me of his love.we have been apart for over 3years after our marriage even though he visits me yearly.my living apart with my husband has created emotional stress for me,i have always longed for my husband and vice versa.i pray and im hopeful that we are soon getting to the end of the rainbow and surely thre is a pot of gold awaiting us on our arrival. i will be posting more on 'my own experience' so be on the look out. thanks for the time and much thanks to you MYRA KASSIM!
Comment from byhisSide:
ReplyDeleteI've mention it to my husband previously. And he says yes it happens, people do it all the time. I love how he never skirts around a question. We're not them he always tells me. Which I agree. It's talk too about how girls go there and mislead guys as well. We totally eliminate this problem from our minds bcz how can U build a life when U don't believe in each other. Personally, I think some of these ladies bring the man over here with a high and mighty demeanor towards there man like I brought U to America & then the guy can sense that and his affection wanes. Some people have no idea of their own demeanor. He can sense the shift. Nobody likes to feel like their at someone else's mercy. And then you have the chill chicks that genuinely ride this transition out with their Man. The real work starts once they get here but the approach is that it should be done with love. We have to keep those key points that brought us together. Thank God ours wasn't lust but in depth honest conversation, soul searching together and foremost God. We thank him everyday and don't take each other for granted.
To raihana:
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your personal situation - Actually I want to thank everyone for sharing. Every time I read another comment, I see the need for these discussions. My heart ached as I read your post. You have head the nail on the head - you need to be talking to your husband. First, read your own post - you said some very important things about your husband that you should remember. You said your husband is the "busy type" - this was something you knew when you met him so he is just being who he is. Every body responds to the stress of this separation differently. Before you allow yourself to give in to the worse thoughts (I have some of those crazy ideas myself when I missed my husband - thanking God for keeping me focused) - know what you know to be true about your husband - he loves you he trusts you and he is not happy with the separation either.
One of the many things I have learned from my husband is that men may get a little quiet when they can't fix something for their wives. Men are the natural caretakers where women tend to be the natural caregivers. As a caretaker, it is not easy when their is a situation that needs attention and you can't get to it. Although it would make your life happier to hear from him everyday, he may be doing what he needs to do to stand as a man by focusing on keeping order at home through working.
On the other hand, you are in need of some attention from him. Take the responsibility to find a creative way to have contact with him on a consistent schedule - keeping in mind his schedule. You already know that it is not going to happen daily. Consider finding a day and time of the week that you know would work for him and see if he is willing to reserve that time just for you - then you have something exciting to look forward to every week. Be sure to make a list of the things you want to talk to him about during that time and save some stuff to just discuss through emails.
Whatever you do, remember that you are now a wife - act like one by standing tall and strong in your commitment of love to your husband. He needs that from you and you need to do that for yourself. Only you know what that means for you in your relationship.
Keep us posted on your progress - I know you are not alone and others will benefit from hearing how you are progressing.
Looking for a brother to give you some insight from a man's perspective...
Here another perspective of what some people see as change could actually be part of the adjustment phase. Having a long distance relationship is very challenging and takes lot of patience. When your SO move here they are coming into another larger aspect of your life that they have never seen before, which again will take alot of patience. Living together in the same house is gone to be different no matter how you want to look at it. When you live together you get to see everything about that person which you most likely did not have a chance to see before.There will be other responsiblities that will bcome part of the equation that will have to be dealt with and understood. How the 2 deal with life as a couple will determine how the relationship survive. Many are not good at adjusting to a new sitution and want to blame it on the person changing. When they say the person has change could actually be the reality of life as a married couple. For me, this will be a big adjustment. I am use to living alone and going and coming as I please. Then all of a sudden there will be someone around you all the time in your space that you have to answer to.. Dont get me wrong. I am looking forward to having my man here by my side, but I have also realize it will be a challenge. I have prayed to God to help me with transition. I have also ask my man to be patient and understand where I am coming from. This not only a challenge for us dealing with internatioal relationships. This is also discussed with couples right here living in the same city together. Living together changes thing. So be ready for the ups and downs of living together as husband and wife. Mensahluv
ReplyDeleteTo Lonelyone:
ReplyDeleteOk my sister - it is time for you to get in gear get creative and re-energize your marriage! You know your husband better than anyone on this blog. You need to find the topics that might interest him - like the things about you that interested him in the beginning.
He may not have anything to say about spices, etc. because he doesn't have to worry about that today. Lets be real - for some men that is considered woman's stuff. You already know it is something you want to make sure is available to him then do the research yourself and get recipes for the dishes you shared with him when you were in Ghana - then research your state and online for shops that sell the spices. Next time you speak with him be excited to tell him what you have found and how excited you are about preparing his favorite meals. Try to prepare one before he comes - if it fails, so what - both of you will probably get a good laugh out of your efforts.
What interests him - you need to find out. Start with discussing some of the latest news in Ghana and see what peeks his interest - I am sure you know about GhanaWeb, MyJoyonline, and other sites that have current news about Ghana.
The courting day are over - he got you - this is the real deal - you can't keep talking about all the cute little things you did when you first met. We have all gone through that boyfriend/girlfriend flirtatious part of our relationship - nothing wrong with reminding him of that good time by complimenting him instead of waiting for him to flirt with you.
Start making plans for what he is going to do during his transition period - the lean months.
Send him some brochures about your area and things in your area that might interest him - direct him to websites. That will probably generate some questions for him. I was surprised to find out how little my husband used the internet in comparison to my frequency (there I go again assuming that he should be living like I live). One day he kindly reminded me that where I go online to do daily things like shopping - it's not done that way in Ghana. As a result, he doesn't see as much need to go online. I even had to admit to him that I wasn't as smart as he thought I was because whenever he asked me a question I would google it and come back with a detailed response on things I previously knew nothing about. This got him even more excited about the net which opened up the door for more things for us to research together and talk about.
Maybe he is as bored as you are with your conversations - don't wait for him, bring it! Definitely use the topics on this blog and other blogs like vj as starting points for conversations.
Remember being in love is about what you can give not what you can get.
To Sheree:
ReplyDeleteGirl you are so right about the adjustment of going from living alone to living with someone day in and day out. Every time you turn your head they will be there in your face! You got to make room in all of your closets and drawers. Share the space on the bathroom vanity and maybe the dresser. What about all those feminine decorations you have everywhere? OMG - sharing your whereabouts with someone, maybe even asking if they are ok with your social schedule - maybe monitoring your shopping habits and other spending decisions. What about the toilet seat - please don't leave it up so that I accidentally sit on the wrong part - ewwww! Will he want to rearrange my furniture or replace it? Will we eat at the same time - eat the same food - now you have to really think when you go grocery shopping. Then my car - until we can get another one, I may have to go without a car waiting for him to come home so that I can go out??? I almost forgot - I bet he is going to have an opinion on my clothes, what to tell me what I can and cannot wear out in public. hmmmm. I wonder if they are thinking the same things about us!
It is just going to take some time and we are going to hit some bumps. Lets keep talking about these things now so we can begin the personal journey we need to go on to learn to compromise and not sweat the small stuff. I realize that I have to remember that for ever adjustment I have to make, he probably has 5 times more things to adjust to.
One thing I do want to do is to make sure we both do things that retain our identity. I want to make sure he has some space, even if it is small, that he can call his own in our home - because I am surely going to have mine since I lived here first. What am I willing to meet him halfway on versus what is non-negotiable? I told Ibrahim that we need some new living room furniture and I would let him pick it out no matter what he wanted - as long as it was in our price range of course. Then I started looking around my living room and identifying all the things that had to stay - then I realized that was not quite ready to give up the reigns fully in this area so why was I saying something that I couldn't live with? I realized I was flexible with just the seating not the wall decorations or other little things I had that decorated the room. That changed the entire conversation - I need to be more realistic and thoughtful about what I say.
Girl, we got some work to do - but, I plan to do it as often as I can with a smile on my face and laughter in my heart because at the end of the day, I really will be satisfied with knowing he is here. I have decided to make it my mission, whenever I get weary after he gets here, to remember how my life felt when he wasn't here. I am going to try to use that to help me stay focused only on the things that count the most and try to let some of this other nonsense go.
Those are my thoughts.
Did anyone givee thought to the fact that some men say their wife has changed in an effort to explain why they left? In fact it is more acceptable to blame the wife when their intentions and committment to the marriage was based on false pretense to begin with. So, if one merely says that their wife change this is an acceptable explanation to why they leave, divorce or take on lovers in the USA or their c
ReplyDeleteown Country. This excuse has been used by men everywhere to get out of relationships. Think about it... Okay... let's add, they don't cook anymore, they got lazy, they got fatter, they disrespect me more...they're family interfere's....the list goes on. I might add this is especially difficult for African American woman as we already come with our own societies myths and they use those to leave as well. We are bossy...disrespectful, controlling, nagging and treat them like a child. So let me address this...when we were supplying them with money and material things to keep them above water in their Countries while we suffered and make sacrifices where we acting like their mother's ?, when we were paying for their schooling or instructing them on ways to get ahead where we nagging? So why now when they come to live with their wives do all these things suddenly are no longer positive? A thought.....is it because now we expect them to pay bills, help pay back loans and debts that one may have accumulated helping them, how about asking them to now pay for their cell phone calls to their Country, cable for their favorite soccer (football) programs, what about explaining that charity begins at home and that the roof they live under should be taken care of first before they send all their money home....I could go on...but I will let someone else finish and comment. It is like we are damned when we do and damned when we don't....Or should I say Blessed when we do and Blessed when we don't because God knows our heart....Stay strong sisters as this too shall pass for some of you...and whatever someone uses as an excuse if it is not sincere...surely they will reap what they sow.... Signed Trying2B all things to all people....sometimes... :) --- Ya'll will get use to me because I will go from here to there and will always play the devils advocate as there is always 3 sides to a story...his side, her side and the truth....Be Blessed!
Comment from LifeOnhold:
ReplyDeleteReality is that lives are at a different pace here. We work, we have responsibilities, we are busy. It is a leisure relationship when we are in Ghana. Spouses are trying to assimilate into a different culture and in general we have little free time to assist them. Over there we have time to be intimate...over here we have to find the time to be intimate. Intellectually we understand this, emotionally not so much.