I posted a question about the dilemma of having a spouse who is more comfortable speaking in a language different than yours. One person added comments to this post that I hope everyone will read. The intention of the blog is to not criticize or say one person is right or wrong. It is to here perspectives so that we can consider them in our own situation and hopefully use them to improve our relationship.
My husband just discussed this topic on our morning chat and I asked him if he was ok with my posting our chat to the blog - being the wonderful man that he is, he said yes. Below is the part of our morning chat that focused on this topic - so you know we misspelled words and other grammatical errors that are allowed in a chat. Your reactions to our chat are encouraged.
Myra and Ibrahim:
(Note: this conversation started in response to my husband's questions about the purpose of the blog after I told him I posted the language confusion question.)
Myra: Enhancing relationships and the transition process for an inter culture couple through asking the questions the questions we need to ask but won't _saying the things we need to say but don't
Myra: Knowlege and understanding
Ibrahim standfirm: I see and most of things that people are going to put there will be more of an individual thing than a collective one
Ibrahim standfirm: What problem one person might facing will not be the same as others faced with
Myra: One American lady responded to my language question by saying she felt it was rude when her husband spoke in his language around her. While one of my Korean friends explained why it is done and that being disrespectful has nothung to do with it.
Myra: Another American woman said that it made her feel like they were talking about her.
Ibrahim standfirm: So what do you think?
Myra: I don't have a problem with it. I understand that it is an easier conversation to speak in your own language. The core issue is really trust. I trust you. Because of that I am able to tune you out when you need to speak in your language.
Myra: I remember you thought I had a hearing problem because I wouldn't react at times when you were addressing me - the reason was I had tuned you out and didn't realize when you had switched back to English - all I heard was your accent.
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Ibrahim standfirm: The language sometimes isnot easy for people to understand because you grew up speaking one comon language to each other and you just wake up one time and you want to change it its an easy thing to do but think other wise
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Ibrahim standfirm: For a example we french speaking student here in GH learning to speak English and after they leave to go back home they always end up speaking french to each other mean while they here to learn and perfect English
Ibrahim standfirm: So its not as easy as it might look like
Ibrahim standfirm: And you might feel that we are talking about you but its not the case
Myra: Do you understand how uncomfortable it would be when you ar in your home and people around you are speaking in a different language - and quite loud in volume? (You do know that we think Africas speak way too loud an exagerated - that adds to the discomfort.)
Ibrahim standfirm: I know this language thing a lot of people are finding it difficult to understand and I wish its easy on our part to just adapt to it
Ibrahim standfirm: Yes its not an easy place to be
Myra: Maybe - but you can't make your spouses friends and family do what you want them to do so that is easier for you.
Ibrahim standfirm: You knowing what is been discussed I know its even here you get to a place you see that people there have their own language from what you underatand and whatever is been discussed you don't understand it
Ibrahim standfirm: Its not an easy place to be but you change that so you choose to ignore them
(At this point, I lost some of the conversation, so I have so try recreate what I said - if I state some of it wrong I am sure my husband will post to the blog in correction - lol)
Myra: I think that best we can do is to focus on this issue as a couple and figure out what we need to do in our home to make it ok for us - we can't change the rest of the world. Here's what I am going to do: 1. I am going to choose to remember that my husband would never do or say anything to hurt me; 2. I am going to remember that I want my husband to be comfortable living our new life and I am going to do my part to support your transition so I have to allow you to do some things that are more comfortable for you. But, I need you to know that my little sensitive insecure person will occasionally raise her cute little head and she will react uncomfortably when you and your friends are laughing loudly, looking in my direction, and possibly saying my name - she is not strong and will assume that worse (working on her). Finally, please know that I want to learn your language only so that I can be a part of your life as you are a part of mine. Because I am interested in your life (sometimes I am nosey) I may ask you who you are talking to on the phone and what you were talking about - but, my finally commitment is to minimize my asking you because I want you to know that I trust you.
Ibrahim standfirm: Lol that is natural when someone says something that you didn't hear and they look in your direction or say your name witought knowinng what is going on will surely raise some eye brows. At first I might think you don't trust me when you keep ask me who I am talking to and what I am saying - but, I will learn to understand better.
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As you can see we have a way to go on this issue - it ain't going to be easy, but, are we sincere in our willingness to try. I still say it begins with trust.
Well - that's most of the conversation - comments and questions are welcomed. Please share your stories.
So, our conversation on this issued continued into the evening and my husband shared the story with me of a friend from Ghana whose wife constantly nagged him about who he was talking to on the phone and what he was saying. It got so bad that it caused a major issue in their marriage that has not yet been resolved. I can't help but wonder if the issue was the language situation we have discussing. If so, could things have been improved if they just sat and shared their feelings about the situation and remained opened out of love to listen and consider each others perspective. This is not about right or wrong - it is about how our perspectives can potentially ruin our relationships if we don't find a way to deal with them. I am not advocating that the husband should change or the woman should not feel what she feels - I believe you have to find a solution that works for the both of you within your situation. My solution may not be right for you - but if this is one of your issues, you do need to talk about it and figure it out.
ReplyDeleteAn earlier comment was made about receiving some counseling. I totally agree with this point of view especially seeking counseling before there is a problem. We can't expect to have a healthy relationship on the fumes of love. Recently somebody told me that love is a verb which means it requires action. But we often treat it as a noun as if it is a thing that will hold us together like crazy glue.
Comment from Lonelyone:
ReplyDeleteAs far as the language thing goes I feel the same as you... I want to share his culture and learn as much as I can about his life there and life there in general. I want to learn the language so our children will know it also, it will be forever a part of our lives now. I trust that he is not talking about me or that he will tell me what he is saying... I do ask sometimes just out of curiosity because it all is so fast and yes sometimes loud (and yes I am nosey and have that lil sensitive insecure person that creeps in sometimes too)... lol
Well to let you the women also know is that we never sound something or say something bad about you guys but its like this , when you are talking to your mom , like someone example like me , i cant change it into English because my mom is a person who really don't understand a word in the English language and again my younger brothers and sisters they can but its hard for me to use the English to them because they are still learning the Ghana Native language so all i can use to them is my native language to make it easier for us to use that with them,and sometimes calling the wife name is when they ask about you , like how is your wife , and where is she there maybe you will ask who ,then call the person name but nothing bad.But after done talking with parents she asking who is that and what is it is not a big deal , once you guys love each-others i don't think there is nothing to hide , All though it will sound nosy but it shouldn't be like that and the something sound like when you American women also talking with friends or family using the Spanish language it also sound the same thing to us also but what do you have saying , maybe that's what they have been using all the time and you cant just ask her to bang or use the English language forced , all is once you people love each-other , just think about the love and let no those things worries or disturb you
ReplyDeleteWe all know using the native language is something that sound bad but , we have been used to that , just imagine , you have been using this ever since you were born , so you cant just jump into something that you are not use to , we are sorry for that but please also do put your self into our shoes know how it feel , my sisters , yes that remind me to this that please we all know being apart is something that hurt and make you couple feel so hurt , because how can you marry someone that you cant even touch everyday or see all the time but to talk on the phone , chat on the internet and others , and Yes it create more issues , arguments , and a lot of things between you guys , why because mostly the ladies feel so bad being there without us , And to me we have been married for good two years now and we are still wait for this visa processing thing or the paperwork but its still something like calling and no anything better for us so we are just waiting for the time to come , anytime they call us we are fine but , Please all we have to know is that , Patience is the key , and that key can open any and each other in this world , so i think that's what we all have to learn to have so please those who are also reading this please think about the love you have for your selves , and always have to know there you guys are there for each-others , to learn and to try to achieve something better in life so please be real all the time and don't ever fake anything to your partner and when question are ask please have patience to answer them try to make or create happiness between you guys all the time that's what haters don't like or want to see , but arguing or fight , yelling at each-other will always make them happy so please don't ever let them laugh at us , let be strong enough
ReplyDeleteand i just have only one Question to ask , and its why always Ghana , but just look at this big Africa countries no any country name but us and why is that , are we the only people who make mistakes for that , i know no human is prefect on this earth , no one , but mostly when ever something bad its Ghanaian s why is that . can someone tell me why and what brings all this,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the language barrier. I have 3 kids and when I speak with my mother, I speak to her in spansih. The kids dont understand and they always ask what we are talking about. I try to teach them so they will understand what is going on. This is the same case with me and my fiance. It may be uncomfortable to both sides and I know that when he gets here, he too will have the same barrier. But out of respect, I tell either party what we are speaking so they dont feel like we are talking about them. This is where I had asked my fiance to teach me so I dont feel out of the loop. Not only am I trying to learn twi but trying to teach him spanish as well. If you really want to know and want to get out of the uncomfort zone, take the time to learn. It will be great to once you return to Ghana, you will have a more understanding and wont feel lost or insecure. When I first was in Ghana, I knew exactly how my kids felt when they were around our family. Not knowing the langauge. I too had zoned out my fiance when he was speaking with his family and friends. I asked if any of it concerned me and he told me if it did or not. Those that spoke english try to keep it so, but then it reverted back to twi. LOL Lots of love and understand and the willing to learn helps. Ask them what they are speaking and if they can teach you as the time goes by. Try it on a daily, new words. Not only is it fun but you will have another language to speak. Language wasnt a barrier when we all first met, so dont let it be an issue now. If it is one, learn how to speak it. After all, this is what we are doing. Trying to learn from each other and grow as a couple. There are many languages that we learn as we grow up, verbally or physically. Dont let it become a problem because it really dont have to be. Patience, love, trust, communication and understanding.
ReplyDeleteTo Mr. Iddrisu:
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you have joined our blog - now my husband is no longer the only man on the page - we need more brothers to help us through these issues.
I want to say to you that I am sorry if it appeared as if this blog was aimed at presenting Ghanaians in a negative light. Far from it - frankly it is all about learning to love and respect our Ghanaian partners. In the process of doing so we have to express some of the things that we don't understand just as I expect to hear from the Ghanaians on the things about their American spouses they don't understand or even like. So please understand - we got nothing but love and respect for our Ghanaian brothers and sisters.
I have read some of your other posts and I am exciting about the knowledge you have already begun to share. Please keep it up and encourage your friends to join in the blog. We are trying to figure some stuff out so that our relationships have a better chance of working.
I am going to post a new topic asking for suggestions to assist brothers in their transition to the US - hope you will chime in. Especially giving thoughts to the wives who are concerned about helping them in their transition.
I can understand both sides of this situation. I have alot of friends that are africans. I believe I have pretty much figured out if they ar speaking their native language out of habit or to isolate you from the coversation. Far as the language barrrier between my fiance and I we have not had a major problem. When I am in Ghana and he speaks to his friends I dont give it much thought. If my name is brought up in a conversation he tells me what was said. I think it comes down to trust. I trust that he will not sit around and talk bad about me in another language. My fiance has beenteaching me some of his Ga language so that will help with any language barriers.
ReplyDeleteI have also been in a situation where a Ghanaian friend would invite me out with another one of her Ghanaian friends and they would speak their native language the whole time and then turn around and ask me if I am okay? Come on now, What do you think?? I think that is very rude. Especially since they both are very comfortable with the English language. Both have lived in the US for over 10 years and one is married to a American man. In those kind of situations I just leave.
My fiance will move here next month. I will make sure to report back after we actually live together. Everything so far has been from afar. Mensahluv
I think the main thing is trust and respect. I do get that trust is a factor but in some cases with a mother in law like mine he never tells me what is said and it ends up causing problems. I think mine is more of a mother in law issues as he is the only son and she is always trying to influence decisions we make. Mother in laws...Can't live with them or without them....dang napit. :)
ReplyDeleteTo Sheree
ReplyDeleteTo me and my wife when it come to like we are in the room and friends visit me , we will all Broken speak English and you know that such English Twi and other language mix with it also , and sometimes when it turn to be only Twi or Ga then the only thing my wife will do is just stare in our faces and stand up walk to where she just think she will be okay alone there and never will she ask , yes i also don't hesitate to tell her what we are talking about , because i really don't want her to feel bad or sound like saying something against her. At the same time trying to teach her the Twi language or Ga , anything she will ask have to be answered and yes she even enjoying going out to buy something alone using the twi , because she really want to learn it , all though am from Upper West of Ghana but she learning the twi will also help a lot than nothing.
To Trying2b....
your point is good , i like it but please you women also have to help us out, with this , when you guys get here and back home , many of family and friends always will try telling you guys things that will always make you mad and sound so bad, because when the first marriage thing happen and you guys get back there , people will be saying Negative things and more of you like listing to them work with them then we the husband and you rather trust what they are telling you people , than we the men who you called your husband , and doing this where thas it lead to, And ask you self again when this is happening , where you ready? did you know this man well before? , do you really love the man you got married to? and alot before taking action on those things , why will you listing to that , hide it from us then trying to threw or use them against us later and you will have to know that you are just trying to get a man for your self but not that you are just trying to find a true love who you want to spend the rest of your life with , so please that's it and let us no forget about the big different culture , different homes , different training , ETC please please please
To Mr. Iddrisu:
ReplyDeleteKeep talking to us - we need to hear more from you. Where are the other guys? Your perspective is needed!
We learn and grow when we can understand how what we do impact others. The one thing that is clear in this blog is that we need to have authentic conversations as couples so that we can find the solutions that work best for us.
Mr. Iddrisu has said somethings that I have heard stated by my husband whom I respect tremendously. Not all men are willing to share their feelings and perspectives. Please understand how stronger your relationship can be when you help your partner understand what is important to you, how you feel, your perspective, etc. Without this knowledge we are left to our own creative imagination - you already know how far we can go with that dangerous tool.
@Mr. Iddrius, I am not understand what you are saying in terms of what people will say " people will be saying Negative things and more of you like listing to them work with them then we the husband and you rather trust what they are telling you people , than we the men who you called your husband , and doing this where thas it lead to, And ask you self again when this is happening , where you ready? did you know this man well before? , do you really love the man you got married to? and alot before taking action on those things , why will you listing to that" I am not clear on what talking in English when your wife is around has to do with all that you have written? People will always says negative stuff but, I don't think any spouse should keep it to themselves because after a while the burden becomes heavy and they may begin to wear down by what others said. I am also not talking about people saying anything negative most of the time. In fact one of the best ways for anyone to learn a language is to hear it and have some intrepret...so even if you are speaking in Twi take a moment and explain to your loved one then they will catch on quickly. That is why they sell so many language tapes called Rosetta Stone in the airports etc. LOL
ReplyDeleteSometimes the language thing drives me crazy...I have learned a little but he speaks at least 2 of local language.. Krobo from where he is from and Twi... so I have learned a few words in Krobo, but drives me crazy how the conversation always goes to local language most of the time even if they both speak english...LOL... My brother in law comes to visit when I'm there and they speak english then they go speaking their language and I have just come to the point I say can you please speak english...and they laugh...but they do... but just for others and phone calls yeah it gets sometimes crazy makes curious what is being said and how do you know if that is really what is said when he tells you it in engish. But I trust him and I listen for words I have learned and h doesn't hesitate to tell me who he is talking to... But there are friends of his who call alot with problems they having in they relationships and always asking him to help out and there is a specific couple that I get upset about when they constantly do that. Espcially when the female is the one calling...LOL but that goes with another topic I guess... Anyway he usually break down it all for me...out of respect for how I feel...
ReplyDeleteI have learned to respect this is his language and I love just to listen to him speak it. Besides my mother in law only speak very few words in English. I find that the hardest part is communicating with her when my husband isn't around. I'm learning the language for him, myself and especially I want to be able to speak to my Mum, there in Ghana...
ReplyDeleteI believe that the conversation should be conducted in the language which makes it easy for everyone present to contribute. So, if there is only one/two English speakers in the group and everyone else speaks Twi for example and they don't understand English then obviously Twi should be spoken (a little translation for the English speakers is always appreciated). However, if just about everyone speaks/understands English then why speak Twi ????? It makes the non-Twi speakers feel excluded. Just think about the company you are in and try to make the conversation as inclusive as possible. Flexibility is key.
ReplyDeleteHi, is this blog still going?
ReplyDelete