Recently, one of my new sister girlfriends going through the visa process posted a comment on face book about struggling through missing her husband. She is generally very strong, but, was hit with a moment of the blues which she was struggling to break free from. Having connected with a number of people on face book who are going through this process at least once a month someone posts a similar comment about the struggle of the loneliness - myself included.
My intention with this post is not to open a discussion on the misery we feel from being separated from our loved ones for so long. My intention is provide a an opportunity for those who are interested to share a testimony of any healing or growth they have experienced through the loneliness as a message of encouragement to all of us. Before I give my own testimony I want to say that I do believe that sometimes when you are feeling bad you need to give it a place to be released and not always try to be strong and hold it in. Sometimes you need to just let that scream out and let those tears flow. I believe it can be cleansing - you just need to put a limit on how long you will scream, cry, or just sit around feeling the blues. Now lets get to some testimonies!
My times of loneliness have been far greater than I could have imagined. Some of it, initially, was because there was no one I could talk to about this wonderful thing that has just happened to me. No one wanted to hear about the man from Africa who was probably going to take all the money I didn't have and leave me broke and pregnant - wait a minute, I can't get pregnant! Any way - some of you know what I am talking about. The more distant friends and family became, the more time I had with myself. Let me tell you becoming your own company on a regular basis can take you to some places inside of you that you never knew existed or just didn't want to remember existed. For example, with too much time on your hands you start to look in the mirror more often and see things you didn't know had developed or changed on you physically in a negative way. Then you start to think about how long it will be before you see your fiance/spouse again and wonder what else will develop on your body that he/she may not feel is attractive. You know where this is going - to the "P" word - Paranoia. Then your little silly mind starts thinking about those other really attractive people that your significant other is encountering on a daily basis, let alone those they will encounter when they come to the US. Those other people who haven't developed those things you discovered every time you look in the mirror. Paranoia advances to the big "F" word - Fear. Now you are ready to find those other really attractive people that are just sitting out their waiting to pounce on your SO - and you know where to find them - FaceBook! You know you can spot them in an instance by going through the friend list of your SO and reading through the coded messages these others have left on your SO FB page - then you do the stupid thing of confronting him/her on the comments and even though you know you sound really stupid you keep questioning your SO to make your point.
But when you are really in love and really trust in the love that your SO has professed to you, one day in the midst of the loneliness a calm comes over you. A calm that you identify as a comfort in knowing that you are really and truly loved by this person that you really and truly love. You look in the mirror again and you see yourself at a deeper level. You begin to see the part of you that is not quite ready to bring this person into your life because if you were you would not have doubted his or her love. That's when the loneliness because a healing ground. It becomes the place where you can meet you and begin the process of removing those things inside of you that have no place in your life any longer. You may do it through prayer to God or meditation. You may do it through exercising or reading self-help books. Whatever it is you begin to do the work to prepare yourself to be the spouse that your SO deserves. In time, you realize that the loneliness is really alone necessary time with you. I use to be sad a lot, and I use to cry a lot. Not anymore because I have found a new me in this process. I have found ways to use this alone time to do somethings for me. I have finally reached the point of comfort in my alone necessary time. I write, I pray, I read, I enjoy my music or classic movies, I cook, sometimes even exercise. I am enjoying my me time because soon - get this - it will no longer be just me and I need to be ready for that adjustment. I believe that as much as I will enjoy my husband being with me, I am going to always remember my time alone with me and I will find a way to keep a little of that in my marriage as well as respecting my husband's need to have his own "me" time as a part of our marriage. I am healed.
There are hard days and there are days that are not so hard. Sitting in the cold empty house wishing you had your SO to cuddle up with, that great dinner you've cooked that you wish you could share with them, or wanting the next time it snows to be the first time your SO will get to experience it! This winter was hard it snowed and I just wanted my SO here so I could act like a kid again and make snow angels and throw snowballs at him, knowing that it would be his first experience with the pretty yet cold white stuff! Most days are filled with keeping busy either at work or on volunteer projects that I found to keep me busy and my mind off of missing him yet gave me the enjoyment of helping others along the way. But there always seems to be that 1 or 2 days that life seems emptier not so busy with the regular hussle and bussle. Things are better than they were a year ago I do not cry every night or even every week. I have found that helping others has made me feel better about myself and helped me not feel as if I am the only one in life that has a rough patch to go through!
ReplyDeleteMy advice... find a group or charity, something you are passionate about exercise, books, even self discovery spend time doing that thing that makes you, an even better YOU. Become the best person you can be for you and your SO...
The method to MY madness is....I write. I write, I RE-read, then....I heal. Please allow me to share one of my journeys with you:
ReplyDeleteEvery day begins a new day of hope, anticipation, momentum. It’s a new adventure daily, a new quest, a new discovery. Day after day after day, however, I search, but never find……..anything. Daily, my hope turns to dust, my anticipation to disappointment, my momentum to exertion. My adventure becomes exploited; my quest goes unfounded; my discovery leads me to an empty void. I reach but I never find. Day turns to night, light to dark, optimism to sadness. Daily. The monotony commences, repeats, recurs, replicates, echoes.
The depth of the silence ensuing the day’s lack of events captivates me every time and it astounds me when I realize that I have sunk just a little more, becoming more despondent as the moments pass me by………but my armor continues to smile as if not to reveal my truest truth. Solitude, isolation, lonesomeness, seclusion.
When “they” look at me, I begin to wonder if “they” see me. And if “they” see me, I wonder if “they” feel me. Then I answer my own inquisitive nature----NO!
He sees me though, feels me, looks at me as he looks through me. To him, I am not a ghost. Even though he cannot put his hand in my hand or entwine his fingers in mine, he touches me. He cannot brush my lips with sweet love’s kiss nor share the air I breathe. The breath he breathed inside me long before lives complacent in my soul. God…..how I miss him.
My soul. My vacant room where my parents, my children, my beautiful husband and GOD dwell. My husband knows he’s there. He sleeps, awakens and exists there--he KNOWS he is there. GOD also knows He’s there. It was HE Who introduced us to the exquisiteness of sharing one soul. It’s our lovely garden where the waters of paradise flow through. Mom, dad and the kids? I don’t think they are aware of their surroundings. Soon, they will pay witness--when they can finally see this beauty. They will know they too are dwelling within me. I hope they will accept their invitation into my humbled zone. My soul. My vacant room where ONLY my parents, my children, my husband and GOD dwell.
It’s been made clean and tidy, uncluttered from negativity, shame and grief. It’s a quiet, calm, non intrusive place, small and quaint…..but I welcome you because I have made it this way for you and because I love you so much. My secret revealed…..those within my dwelling space are the only ones I need. My parents, my children, my husband and GOD.
So when you do not see me, this is where I hide. I’m reconstructing my soul, attempting to make it more lovely, so when my husband finally comes, he can escort you inside and you will see the beautiful me who is his wife and all I have become because of you, my parents and you, my children and you, my sweet king and YOU, our GOD. So I beg for my soul to become more worthy of all the beauties you all possess and have shared with me.
With that said, I stare at this screen now through tears I’ve been fighting back all day. The evening has fallen and even my effort cannot contain the excessive emotion within me now overpowering and overflowing, clouding my vision.
Sometimes my chest feels so heavy. It is in these moments that the True Power of God is evident. It is said that God gave us a heart for the practical purpose and function of circulating our blood, making it the source and cornerstone of life. He said with the heart we can feel love and pain, happiness, joy, disappointment, discontent, fear, weariness…..among other emotions.
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ReplyDeleteSo I sit here with head in hands, chest and mind heavy with pressure. My heart in unspoken dialogue telling me its hurting. Its telling me God is REAL. From these moments, my senses are engulfed and because there is no solace, there is never a hand to lead me out. And God? HE wants you to feel the emotions He gifted to you. HE wants you to know HE is real….even if it hurts sometimes. Because when the pain passes, you will feel grateful and you will know from Whom your blessing of peace came. From Where the strong rain and wind blew that put out the fire that was burning your soul. He restores your faith and gives you a justification, motivation and good reason to believe. It’s the same reason why He will take your breath away when you experience bliss or joy or something so lovely and beautiful. You inhale, then it feels your breath is gone. You gasp and wheeze, then finally manage to choke out, “WOW”. God Smiles as He reminds you that YOU are ALIVE---informing you the visions you see before you are there to enjoy, appreciate and revel in……moments that take your breath away. These are the things we seek and strive for. Ultimately, it’s everyone’s truth, if all will admit it. I admit it.
Tonight, I cry. No vices. No hands outstretched. No escape from my emotions. No solace and I’m drowning. I look to the left, I see my husband, to the right, my husband, in front of me, behind me, above me, sweetly beneath me--I see my husband. Behind my closed eyes, I discover an era of blissfulness. His soft, beautiful, brown skin. Those sweet eyes, His smile. That “little boy” look he makes. His gentleness and sweet, soft, smoothly flowing voice that comforts me like a mother’s heartbeat comforts her infant. Hmmmm….quietly I remind myself not to open my eyes, not to regress to reality. It’s the slumbering covenant marriage I beg to accept my vow because I do not wish to leave the vision of love behind my eyes.
I miss his arms around me everywhere we go, with every move he makes. I miss his patience, the way he leads me like light. I miss his eyes….how can I explain those eye? Love’s tenderness and truth wrapped into shiny, golden brown, hypnotic, mesmerizing…. inception---leading me back over and over again into that blissful state of mind. If I cannot live in this reality with him, I want to inhabit this space within me until he can awaken me and take me home. I miss him. I miss his soft, supple, gently sweet kisses. I miss seeing the pride in his eyes and knowing---he is proud of ME! He loves me, his WIFE! It is a lonely place, no doubt, but if I cannot have him, I will graciously accept the blissful ignorance of living inside my own mind’s eye.
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ReplyDeleteSecure in his heart, I am. My freedom comes without doubt. Abundant blessings. It makes me feel like I have experienced the Hand of God, Himself. I remain silenced because I am humbled. I do not make demands because I am not ungrateful. I am thankful, privileged and fortunate for those people who dwell in my soul with me. Next to them, I stand small--but if I can be a reflection of them, then my rays of light will penetrate on enormous waves of traveling light…..and I too, can borrow their beauty.
I stand with back erect to avoid burdening anyone with my most genuine weakness. However, I wish I could scream, screeeeeeaaaaam, SCREEEEEAAAAAAAMMMM. But why? I CHOSE silence so nobody would hear me. THAT is what I need to do. Lower my gaze, hide my eyes, lower my voice and pray more. Find peace of mind. I tell you, I am searching with every step I take.
But………..
I love him. For more reasons than I can begin to explain. My love is plentiful. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him so much. I love him. I miss him. I need him. My husband. My love. My Prince. My King. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I know you hear me.
Sometimes I lose my breath. I feel like I am beginning to choke. I feel like nobody could possibly understand me……but him and he’s not here. It’s a cruel redundancy.
I’m a better me when I have the freedom to be his wife. I love me when I am his wife. I miss me because I don’t know who I am right now.
For real……? What if my death precedes our destiny to be together? All I have is memories. I can’t ACTUALLY remember what he FEELS like. What if I die this way?
Really?
Baby, you are my one and only peace of mind. You make me beautiful. I am a better woman, a better mother, a better daughter, a better wife and a better child of God because of you. Babe-I’m thankful, grateful. I am modestly humbled by the grace you have revealed to me. I respect you from the depths of my soul. I am also beholden because you placed me back on my intended path where I rediscovered the now matured being of my mother’s pride and joy and my daddy’s little girl.
Simply stated……my husband, my best friend, my love, my life, my joy, my heart, my king, my educator, my student, my dream, my reality, my mentor, my light, my Imam, my savior, you are my everything……..I ADORE you…..I LOVE you…..from the deepest depths within me to the energy surrounding my entire body, head to toe to fingertips, I love you more. With everything I am or ever will be.
Zukatarku yana so. Ina sonka.
GOD?? Please hear me…I LOVE THIS MAN!! Please GOD…he is my home and I am his home. Please lead us HOME.
My response to BADSM are my two favorite words - WOW and Amazing! Amazingly beautiful because it was written from your spirit. I can almost visualize you writing this and it was for no one else but you. You have written as if no one else would read this but you because it is yours alone. I am honored to have this opportunity to see inside of your soul as you have just shared.
ReplyDeleteThe level and depth of love I have heard expressed by all the women I have meet through the power of social media has impacted me a way that makes me pray daily that the men who are the recipient of this powerful love are truly worthy and do return a love equal if not greater than what they are receiving. These women love their men as they know God loves them - totally unconditionally.
It is my prayer today, tomorrow, and always that the love we all feel for our SO continues to grow and flourish as God has intended it to do; and that this love is returned to us as God knows we need to be loved and from who God knows we should receive the love. I pray that we take the pureness of this love, that has blossomed inside of us, and share it with others as we act as servants of God to help Him heal the pain and suffering of this world for all of His children. Finally to be stated, but truly to be first in prayer, that we begin and end our everyday first in prayer and thankfulness to you; that we shower ourselves with this powerful love we have given to others; that throughout the day we honor ourselves with the same grace and love we give to our SO. It is through how we honor ourselves that we are first blessed by you.
Amen.