Ibrahim and I have had some moments where we were both confused on what was going on in a situation only to find out that it was a difference in perspective because of our differences in culture. Here's one of my favorite examples:
I was talking with my husband on the phone one day early in our relationship. A couple of times he would interrupt our conversation to speak to someone who was in the room with him. I couldn't hear this person's voice. Being the curious and interested woman that I am, naturally I asked him who he was talking to (of course he was speaking in his language which I couldn't understand - that's a discussion under another topic in this blog). His said he was talking to a friend. My response was - which friend. He said just a friend. Ok my red, white and blue sisters and brothers you know in the US when someone repeatedly says they are talking to a friend it typically implies some sort of discreet situation involving the opposite sex (or the same sex if that is your interest). You know my hater radar went into action. I could not believe my man was telling he was talking to a friend and would not identify the person. You know how we do - the third degree kicked into gear - keep in mind we were only a few months into our relationship. I needed to know who this friend was, what was their gender, what was their name, had I met them before, what are you talking about, and most importantly why can't you just tell me who this friend is?
I have to say that we have come a long way in our ability to deal with tough issues (even though we had a little disagreement tonight - but, I digress.) However, we weren't quite there at the time of this discussion. At some point, I asked him the only question that I should have asked from the beginning - What does it mean when you say someone is just a friend but won't tell me who they are? He explained to me that in Ghana when a person is referred to as just a friend it means that the person is not significant in his life and probably is someone I would never meet. Of course he was surprised to know that I had a different meaning for the phrase. We both realized that it was a cultural difference - a major difference.
That situation opened the door for us to begin to identify when our differences were our unique problems or just misunderstandings due to the differences in culture.
So what's one of your memorable cultural clash stories...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Blog Now Open for Anyone to Comment - No Account Needed
I have changed the settings on the blog so that anyone can comment without having an account. All I ask is that you be considerate and respectful of the blog topics and people who comment. Also, if you choose to not create an account please sign your name with a name you would like to use whenever you make a comment on this blog that way we can follow you and your thoughts whenever you comment.
Thanking you in advance for sharing your experience with all readers. Thanking you in advance for being considerate and respectful.
Thanking you in advance for sharing your experience with all readers. Thanking you in advance for being considerate and respectful.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Growing through Separation
I have said it many times, this separation from my husband is more difficult than birthing a baby! The thing about having a baby is that you know that the glorious end of the journey will definitely happen in 9 months (give or take). When my husband and I started on our journey of love we just knew we would be living together within 6 months - hahahahahahahaha! We were so naive about this entire process.
You know it is kind of like life - if you knew exactly when you were going to die what would you do differently? I have thought about whether or not I would have pursued our relationship if I knew it would mean a 4 year separation. That's right - 4 Years!!!! We started on our visa journey path in 2008 and it looks like he won't have a visa interview until 2012. Back to my point - if I knew it would take 4 years would I have pursued the relationship? The answer is very easy - YES! Within 2 days I knew Ibrahim was the man I wanted to spend my remaining life with - without question. If I knew it would take us 4 years, the things I would have done differently relate to the saving of money and frequency of visiting him - there would have been more visits.
More important than whether or not I would do it again knowing the time it would take for us to get together is the fact that I would do it again because of how I have grown and, according to him, he has grown. Not everyone is as fortunate as we have been. Some don't make it through the first year. I'm not saying that we were struggle free in our relationship - it was the struggles that presented the opportunity for growth. We have had, and sometimes still do, our disagreements and silly misunderstandings. What was evident during those times was that we never had a thought about us having made a mistake coming together. We wanted our relationship to be different and better than any either of us have ever had. I started to see that we were developing healthy approaches in resolving our issues. I have never hung up on my husband - what!! I could tell when he was angry and he knew when I was pissed off - but, we would hang in there and work through it. Let me tell you something about my husband. He is the type of man who wants to deal with the issue, get it to the end, and then keep it moving. Now sisters, you know how most of us are - we need that thing to linger in our attitude for awhile. We are not as prone to letting it go so easily. I definitely struggled here for awhile. I finally was able to get to a point where I told my husband that I agree with his approach of getting it resolved then moving on, but, he needed to give me a few more minutes to get to the moving on part than he needed. Gradually, I have gotten better and better at this one. What helped me was the fact that I didn't want my husband to feel uncomfortable about me or our relationship at anytime. I wanted him to always have happy thoughts about me when we were not connected - so, I had to grow in this area quickly. Thank God I did - I am still nowhere as good at this technique as he is, but, I have far exceeded where I was when we first met.
When people hear that your husband lives almost 6000 miles away the first thing that comes to their mind is how are the two of you handling the absence of sex? You can just see their little minds working behind their eyes - wondering who I was using to fill in why my husband was not with me; who was "filling in the gaps" of his physical desires. LOL!!! Ok, I would be thinking the same thing if I was the one receiving this information from a friend - let's be real folks. Honestly, this may have been true of me in a past life - thank God that life is over!! So what is different this time around? There is nothing I can say to help you understand what exists between us that has kept our faith strong in the personal commitments we have made to each other. I am not going to try to convince you either - because the only way for you to fully understand what we have together is for you to be in our relationship - that ain't happening!
But, let me give you something that you might be able to relate to personally. Let me start off by saying that I feel my husband is the sexiest man alive - we have a very strong physically attraction and desire for each other. Check this out - the absence of physical contact has actually served to strengthen and create a relationship like none I have ever had - and I have had several really good ones. Think about it this way - how many times have you had an argument with the person you were in love with and it ended up in you making love - probably some of the best sex you have ever had. You've heard the saying "there is nothing like make up sex". Now think about some of those times where you had "make up sex" and some time after the great sex (maybe an hour, maybe days, maybe weeks) the memory of the thing that made you angry, before the make up sex, came back to you and you realized that you had not resolved the issue - but you had some great sex. Hmmmm - let me think about this a minute - I'm in love, I get mad, we have great sex, issue still exists. Hmmmm. That's the vicious cycle we sometimes find ourselves in.
The great thing about not having physical contact at your immediate grasp is that, if you are the right couple, you find yourself talking a lot - a whole lot! I have always referred to it as having the conversations that usually don't happen when you can do the physical thing more often - sex can make us forget to talk about the important things. This may not be true for everyone - this is my truth.
Ibrahim and I have talked through some situations that I know I have encountered in past relationships and have usually ended up with me either walking away, hanging up the phone, definitely rolling my eyes and pouting, and then doing that thing women tend to do well - make him almost beg for some physical time with me so that when I give in he knows he had to earn it. What the heck??? How many relationships have I damaged with that nonsense approach? Sidebar discussion: If I enjoy making love with my husband, am I not cheating myself out of a good thing when I deprive him of his pleasure? Never making that mistake again in my life!
Now check this out - I realize that because of the major differences in our cultural background (including religion) I have been more patient and interested in getting to know who he is as a man. Here's what I learned about myself (I know I am not alone on this one) - when I was involved with a man whose culture was similar to mine I naturally expected that he understood certain things and should act a certain way. There is some truth in that, but, the similarities you share with a person doesn't tell you all that they are. Making that awful mistake of assuming (ass u me) closes the door to learning who he really is and what is important to him.
Being separated has given me the benefit of time to listen and learn (I ask a lot of questions - which has been an adjustment for more husband). Being with someone of a totally different culture than mine has made me want to fully understand and appreciate our differences. The lesson learned is that I should have used the same approach with any relationship - what have we missed out because we don't listen, we assume, we don't appreciate - we dictate.
I thank God everyday for this gift of time, for the love of my husband, and the wisdom to do the right things. Nobody said it would be easy and it isn't - but, worth it - what do you think?
You know it is kind of like life - if you knew exactly when you were going to die what would you do differently? I have thought about whether or not I would have pursued our relationship if I knew it would mean a 4 year separation. That's right - 4 Years!!!! We started on our visa journey path in 2008 and it looks like he won't have a visa interview until 2012. Back to my point - if I knew it would take 4 years would I have pursued the relationship? The answer is very easy - YES! Within 2 days I knew Ibrahim was the man I wanted to spend my remaining life with - without question. If I knew it would take us 4 years, the things I would have done differently relate to the saving of money and frequency of visiting him - there would have been more visits.
More important than whether or not I would do it again knowing the time it would take for us to get together is the fact that I would do it again because of how I have grown and, according to him, he has grown. Not everyone is as fortunate as we have been. Some don't make it through the first year. I'm not saying that we were struggle free in our relationship - it was the struggles that presented the opportunity for growth. We have had, and sometimes still do, our disagreements and silly misunderstandings. What was evident during those times was that we never had a thought about us having made a mistake coming together. We wanted our relationship to be different and better than any either of us have ever had. I started to see that we were developing healthy approaches in resolving our issues. I have never hung up on my husband - what!! I could tell when he was angry and he knew when I was pissed off - but, we would hang in there and work through it. Let me tell you something about my husband. He is the type of man who wants to deal with the issue, get it to the end, and then keep it moving. Now sisters, you know how most of us are - we need that thing to linger in our attitude for awhile. We are not as prone to letting it go so easily. I definitely struggled here for awhile. I finally was able to get to a point where I told my husband that I agree with his approach of getting it resolved then moving on, but, he needed to give me a few more minutes to get to the moving on part than he needed. Gradually, I have gotten better and better at this one. What helped me was the fact that I didn't want my husband to feel uncomfortable about me or our relationship at anytime. I wanted him to always have happy thoughts about me when we were not connected - so, I had to grow in this area quickly. Thank God I did - I am still nowhere as good at this technique as he is, but, I have far exceeded where I was when we first met.
When people hear that your husband lives almost 6000 miles away the first thing that comes to their mind is how are the two of you handling the absence of sex? You can just see their little minds working behind their eyes - wondering who I was using to fill in why my husband was not with me; who was "filling in the gaps" of his physical desires. LOL!!! Ok, I would be thinking the same thing if I was the one receiving this information from a friend - let's be real folks. Honestly, this may have been true of me in a past life - thank God that life is over!! So what is different this time around? There is nothing I can say to help you understand what exists between us that has kept our faith strong in the personal commitments we have made to each other. I am not going to try to convince you either - because the only way for you to fully understand what we have together is for you to be in our relationship - that ain't happening!
But, let me give you something that you might be able to relate to personally. Let me start off by saying that I feel my husband is the sexiest man alive - we have a very strong physically attraction and desire for each other. Check this out - the absence of physical contact has actually served to strengthen and create a relationship like none I have ever had - and I have had several really good ones. Think about it this way - how many times have you had an argument with the person you were in love with and it ended up in you making love - probably some of the best sex you have ever had. You've heard the saying "there is nothing like make up sex". Now think about some of those times where you had "make up sex" and some time after the great sex (maybe an hour, maybe days, maybe weeks) the memory of the thing that made you angry, before the make up sex, came back to you and you realized that you had not resolved the issue - but you had some great sex. Hmmmm - let me think about this a minute - I'm in love, I get mad, we have great sex, issue still exists. Hmmmm. That's the vicious cycle we sometimes find ourselves in.
The great thing about not having physical contact at your immediate grasp is that, if you are the right couple, you find yourself talking a lot - a whole lot! I have always referred to it as having the conversations that usually don't happen when you can do the physical thing more often - sex can make us forget to talk about the important things. This may not be true for everyone - this is my truth.
Ibrahim and I have talked through some situations that I know I have encountered in past relationships and have usually ended up with me either walking away, hanging up the phone, definitely rolling my eyes and pouting, and then doing that thing women tend to do well - make him almost beg for some physical time with me so that when I give in he knows he had to earn it. What the heck??? How many relationships have I damaged with that nonsense approach? Sidebar discussion: If I enjoy making love with my husband, am I not cheating myself out of a good thing when I deprive him of his pleasure? Never making that mistake again in my life!
Now check this out - I realize that because of the major differences in our cultural background (including religion) I have been more patient and interested in getting to know who he is as a man. Here's what I learned about myself (I know I am not alone on this one) - when I was involved with a man whose culture was similar to mine I naturally expected that he understood certain things and should act a certain way. There is some truth in that, but, the similarities you share with a person doesn't tell you all that they are. Making that awful mistake of assuming (ass u me) closes the door to learning who he really is and what is important to him.
Being separated has given me the benefit of time to listen and learn (I ask a lot of questions - which has been an adjustment for more husband). Being with someone of a totally different culture than mine has made me want to fully understand and appreciate our differences. The lesson learned is that I should have used the same approach with any relationship - what have we missed out because we don't listen, we assume, we don't appreciate - we dictate.
I thank God everyday for this gift of time, for the love of my husband, and the wisdom to do the right things. Nobody said it would be easy and it isn't - but, worth it - what do you think?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Have your friends abandoned you?
I lost what I thought was a very best friend when I first got involved my husband. Unlike many others, we didn't meet online. I meet him while I was on vacation in Ghana - he was a very close friend of the family I stayed with while I was in Ghana. It was definitely not something I was looking for and had nothing to do with my purpose in going to Ghana. Frankly, I had made bold statements saying that I would not even give the men in Ghana eye contact if they looked my way - I was there on a different type of mission. To make a long beautiful story shore, it all happened so fast and so true. Let me just say that I felt the hand God over us when we met - He is still there taking care of us. Then I returned home - that's when the fun began!
I expected people to wonder what had come over the woman who vowed she would never get married again and here she was saying she found her future husband after 1 week (my trip was 2 weeks long, Ibrahim and I met at the beginning of my second week). I expected people who cared about me, and those who didn't, to wonder what Ibrahim's intention was with me - you know the story - is he just trying to get a green card so he can live in the great US!!?? Is he going to try to take all of her money (what money?). The one that surprised and disappointed me the most was one of my best friends. Let me make this story short by saying she is no longer a friend of mine. She objected to our relationship and couldn't find anyway to be a supportive friend. Needless to say I was devastated. I remember saying to her that I understood her concerns and I didn't expect anyone to see my situation as I did because they weren't in the situation. But, I expected my "best friend" to at least want to stay close to me - when a sister-girlfriend falls in love that is the time to stay close by in case she needs you not go further away.
It took me 2 years to come to terms with this loss - I missed her tremendously. I missed all of our late night conversations and I had so much I wanted to share with her about my new love.
This is just one of the prices I have had to pay for finding the love of my dreams - they say everything has a price! My husband is worth this price and more.
This was the biggest price. Of course, there were many other less significant nay-sayers. I was just wondering how my other sisters have made out with their supportive friends.
Talk to me people.
I expected people to wonder what had come over the woman who vowed she would never get married again and here she was saying she found her future husband after 1 week (my trip was 2 weeks long, Ibrahim and I met at the beginning of my second week). I expected people who cared about me, and those who didn't, to wonder what Ibrahim's intention was with me - you know the story - is he just trying to get a green card so he can live in the great US!!?? Is he going to try to take all of her money (what money?). The one that surprised and disappointed me the most was one of my best friends. Let me make this story short by saying she is no longer a friend of mine. She objected to our relationship and couldn't find anyway to be a supportive friend. Needless to say I was devastated. I remember saying to her that I understood her concerns and I didn't expect anyone to see my situation as I did because they weren't in the situation. But, I expected my "best friend" to at least want to stay close to me - when a sister-girlfriend falls in love that is the time to stay close by in case she needs you not go further away.
It took me 2 years to come to terms with this loss - I missed her tremendously. I missed all of our late night conversations and I had so much I wanted to share with her about my new love.
This is just one of the prices I have had to pay for finding the love of my dreams - they say everything has a price! My husband is worth this price and more.
This was the biggest price. Of course, there were many other less significant nay-sayers. I was just wondering how my other sisters have made out with their supportive friends.
Talk to me people.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Privacy and Ghanaian Men
Just trying to understand the strong sense of secrecy and extreme privacy in the Ghanaian culture. This topic is being posted by request. What are your thoughts?
Tell me something Good...
So far, we have talked about several challenges some of us (in some cases all of us) are facing and we will continue to do so because that is why I created this blog to provide a forum to express concerns and share wisdom. I want to use this next blog to remind us and others of what we have done well to strengthen our relationships.
Describe at least one thing that you have done successfully to strengthen your relationship. Tell us why you did this one thing and how you know it has been successful. I am going to think about this topic myself throughout my day today and report my story when I come home from work.
Focusing on the best in my relationship today and wishing the same for you!
Describe at least one thing that you have done successfully to strengthen your relationship. Tell us why you did this one thing and how you know it has been successful. I am going to think about this topic myself throughout my day today and report my story when I come home from work.
Focusing on the best in my relationship today and wishing the same for you!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I am pissed off about women he hasn't even met!
Ok - let me first say that I am better on this issue today then I was when we first met in 2008, maybe even better than I was a week ago. I am a work in progress. Here's my screwed up issue - I hate admitting it, but, I know I am not the only one:
I am a little older than my husband, just a little I swear! I'm still kind of cute to look at, pleasingly plump in a sort of sexy way ( I like that description). Now my husband is just a little younger than me - ok a lot younger - I said it! He is a very attractive man and he can be quite charming. Bottom line is that I know there will be a lot of sisters (I'm not just talking about the less attractive one) in the US who will find my husband as worth taking a second look at. That's nice and all that - but, I know how some of these sisters are in the US - just like the men, they will not hesitate to disrespect you and go after your man!
I have had this discussion with my husband a few times - basically sharing my concerns on how he will handle these multi-national and cultured beautiful women in the US going after my husband. Well the first thing he said to me was that there are beautiful women in Ghana too and he can handle it. I told him that I know there are beautiful women in Ghana - but Ghana don't have all the flavors of women that you will find in the US. I told him early in our relationship that I thought he might just loose his mind when he sees all the varieties in the US - especially when they start coming after him. Of course he thought I had lost my mind - he was right and still is. But what can I say - I have got to get a handle on this crazy notion of mine before I do something stupid and screw up my great marriage! Dagnabit! I mean I have already envisioned my normally peaceful self walking around town with my husband watching all the women and daring them to have a second look at my husband while checking to see who he is staring at under his sunglasses!
This is some crazy frakanakle bull - I am hating on a sister I haven't even met or have I? Forgive me, I slipped for a second. LOL!
Seriously, I feel stronger now because my husband has done his part to let me know who I am to him and I trust him and I trust God. But, just in case I have a flashback moment, I am looking for advice from others and wondering if I am the only cougar, I mean sister, who has had this concern at one time.
Talk to me people...
I am a little older than my husband, just a little I swear! I'm still kind of cute to look at, pleasingly plump in a sort of sexy way ( I like that description). Now my husband is just a little younger than me - ok a lot younger - I said it! He is a very attractive man and he can be quite charming. Bottom line is that I know there will be a lot of sisters (I'm not just talking about the less attractive one) in the US who will find my husband as worth taking a second look at. That's nice and all that - but, I know how some of these sisters are in the US - just like the men, they will not hesitate to disrespect you and go after your man!
I have had this discussion with my husband a few times - basically sharing my concerns on how he will handle these multi-national and cultured beautiful women in the US going after my husband. Well the first thing he said to me was that there are beautiful women in Ghana too and he can handle it. I told him that I know there are beautiful women in Ghana - but Ghana don't have all the flavors of women that you will find in the US. I told him early in our relationship that I thought he might just loose his mind when he sees all the varieties in the US - especially when they start coming after him. Of course he thought I had lost my mind - he was right and still is. But what can I say - I have got to get a handle on this crazy notion of mine before I do something stupid and screw up my great marriage! Dagnabit! I mean I have already envisioned my normally peaceful self walking around town with my husband watching all the women and daring them to have a second look at my husband while checking to see who he is staring at under his sunglasses!
This is some crazy frakanakle bull - I am hating on a sister I haven't even met or have I? Forgive me, I slipped for a second. LOL!
Seriously, I feel stronger now because my husband has done his part to let me know who I am to him and I trust him and I trust God. But, just in case I have a flashback moment, I am looking for advice from others and wondering if I am the only cougar, I mean sister, who has had this concern at one time.
Talk to me people...
Worried about my man's transition to the US
A concern many women have is how can we help to ease the transition process for our men when they come to the states. Under the Congratulations - You are an American woman married to a Ghanaian man discussion, Flor said:
"I know that not being in Ghana will be a BIG culture shock to him in Florida. I thinks thats why he wants to move north soon after he arrives.He knows people up there. What crosses my mind is that he will get here and not to soon after, that he will want to leave. Im willing to support him in every way, I just dont want him to be scared or uncomfortable. I know it will be a while for him to start working or to keep busy, just pray that I come home one day and he is still there. We can love each other, trust each other, confide, communicate and have all the security in the world but it wont change the fact that it can happen."
Are there other women who share Flor's concern? Any thoughts from the brothers? Looking for an active discussion here. Hope you guys figure out how to post your comments - I am off to work and can't wait to hear what has been discussed under this topic.
"I know that not being in Ghana will be a BIG culture shock to him in Florida. I thinks thats why he wants to move north soon after he arrives.He knows people up there. What crosses my mind is that he will get here and not to soon after, that he will want to leave. Im willing to support him in every way, I just dont want him to be scared or uncomfortable. I know it will be a while for him to start working or to keep busy, just pray that I come home one day and he is still there. We can love each other, trust each other, confide, communicate and have all the security in the world but it wont change the fact that it can happen."
Are there other women who share Flor's concern? Any thoughts from the brothers? Looking for an active discussion here. Hope you guys figure out how to post your comments - I am off to work and can't wait to hear what has been discussed under this topic.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Changes in the Relationship
I sent out a request for comments to the following:
My husband, Ibrahim, said that he heard that the American women change as soon as the men reach there - it is like they don't know them at all.
My response to Ibrahim was the following: I have heard that the men are not as attentive and loving as they were when they were in Ghana which makes the women feel like they weren't sincere about the marriage.
I will post the reactions I receive as I get them then I will share the discussion between me and Ibrahim on this one. Please be open and sensitive to the feelings and points of view that may be shared. Again, it is not about who is right or wrong - it is about understanding and trying to learn from different perspectives.
Your language or mine dear?
I posted a question about the dilemma of having a spouse who is more comfortable speaking in a language different than yours. One person added comments to this post that I hope everyone will read. The intention of the blog is to not criticize or say one person is right or wrong. It is to here perspectives so that we can consider them in our own situation and hopefully use them to improve our relationship.
My husband just discussed this topic on our morning chat and I asked him if he was ok with my posting our chat to the blog - being the wonderful man that he is, he said yes. Below is the part of our morning chat that focused on this topic - so you know we misspelled words and other grammatical errors that are allowed in a chat. Your reactions to our chat are encouraged.
Myra and Ibrahim:
(Note: this conversation started in response to my husband's questions about the purpose of the blog after I told him I posted the language confusion question.)
Myra: Enhancing relationships and the transition process for an inter culture couple through asking the questions the questions we need to ask but won't _saying the things we need to say but don't
Myra: Knowlege and understanding
Ibrahim standfirm: I see and most of things that people are going to put there will be more of an individual thing than a collective one
Ibrahim standfirm: What problem one person might facing will not be the same as others faced with
Myra: One American lady responded to my language question by saying she felt it was rude when her husband spoke in his language around her. While one of my Korean friends explained why it is done and that being disrespectful has nothung to do with it.
Myra: Another American woman said that it made her feel like they were talking about her.
Ibrahim standfirm: So what do you think?
Myra: I don't have a problem with it. I understand that it is an easier conversation to speak in your own language. The core issue is really trust. I trust you. Because of that I am able to tune you out when you need to speak in your language.
Myra: I remember you thought I had a hearing problem because I wouldn't react at times when you were addressing me - the reason was I had tuned you out and didn't realize when you had switched back to English - all I heard was your accent.
.
Ibrahim standfirm: The language sometimes isnot easy for people to understand because you grew up speaking one comon language to each other and you just wake up one time and you want to change it its an easy thing to do but think other wise
---------
Ibrahim standfirm: For a example we french speaking student here in GH learning to speak English and after they leave to go back home they always end up speaking french to each other mean while they here to learn and perfect English
Ibrahim standfirm: So its not as easy as it might look like
Ibrahim standfirm: And you might feel that we are talking about you but its not the case
Myra: Do you understand how uncomfortable it would be when you ar in your home and people around you are speaking in a different language - and quite loud in volume? (You do know that we think Africas speak way too loud an exagerated - that adds to the discomfort.)
Ibrahim standfirm: I know this language thing a lot of people are finding it difficult to understand and I wish its easy on our part to just adapt to it
Ibrahim standfirm: Yes its not an easy place to be
Myra: Maybe - but you can't make your spouses friends and family do what you want them to do so that is easier for you.
Ibrahim standfirm: You knowing what is been discussed I know its even here you get to a place you see that people there have their own language from what you underatand and whatever is been discussed you don't understand it
Ibrahim standfirm: Its not an easy place to be but you change that so you choose to ignore them
(At this point, I lost some of the conversation, so I have so try recreate what I said - if I state some of it wrong I am sure my husband will post to the blog in correction - lol)
Myra: I think that best we can do is to focus on this issue as a couple and figure out what we need to do in our home to make it ok for us - we can't change the rest of the world. Here's what I am going to do: 1. I am going to choose to remember that my husband would never do or say anything to hurt me; 2. I am going to remember that I want my husband to be comfortable living our new life and I am going to do my part to support your transition so I have to allow you to do some things that are more comfortable for you. But, I need you to know that my little sensitive insecure person will occasionally raise her cute little head and she will react uncomfortably when you and your friends are laughing loudly, looking in my direction, and possibly saying my name - she is not strong and will assume that worse (working on her). Finally, please know that I want to learn your language only so that I can be a part of your life as you are a part of mine. Because I am interested in your life (sometimes I am nosey) I may ask you who you are talking to on the phone and what you were talking about - but, my finally commitment is to minimize my asking you because I want you to know that I trust you.
Ibrahim standfirm: Lol that is natural when someone says something that you didn't hear and they look in your direction or say your name witought knowinng what is going on will surely raise some eye brows. At first I might think you don't trust me when you keep ask me who I am talking to and what I am saying - but, I will learn to understand better.
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As you can see we have a way to go on this issue - it ain't going to be easy, but, are we sincere in our willingness to try. I still say it begins with trust.
Well - that's most of the conversation - comments and questions are welcomed. Please share your stories.
My husband just discussed this topic on our morning chat and I asked him if he was ok with my posting our chat to the blog - being the wonderful man that he is, he said yes. Below is the part of our morning chat that focused on this topic - so you know we misspelled words and other grammatical errors that are allowed in a chat. Your reactions to our chat are encouraged.
Myra and Ibrahim:
(Note: this conversation started in response to my husband's questions about the purpose of the blog after I told him I posted the language confusion question.)
Myra: Enhancing relationships and the transition process for an inter culture couple through asking the questions the questions we need to ask but won't _saying the things we need to say but don't
Myra: Knowlege and understanding
Ibrahim standfirm: I see and most of things that people are going to put there will be more of an individual thing than a collective one
Ibrahim standfirm: What problem one person might facing will not be the same as others faced with
Myra: One American lady responded to my language question by saying she felt it was rude when her husband spoke in his language around her. While one of my Korean friends explained why it is done and that being disrespectful has nothung to do with it.
Myra: Another American woman said that it made her feel like they were talking about her.
Ibrahim standfirm: So what do you think?
Myra: I don't have a problem with it. I understand that it is an easier conversation to speak in your own language. The core issue is really trust. I trust you. Because of that I am able to tune you out when you need to speak in your language.
Myra: I remember you thought I had a hearing problem because I wouldn't react at times when you were addressing me - the reason was I had tuned you out and didn't realize when you had switched back to English - all I heard was your accent.
.
Ibrahim standfirm: The language sometimes isnot easy for people to understand because you grew up speaking one comon language to each other and you just wake up one time and you want to change it its an easy thing to do but think other wise
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Ibrahim standfirm: For a example we french speaking student here in GH learning to speak English and after they leave to go back home they always end up speaking french to each other mean while they here to learn and perfect English
Ibrahim standfirm: So its not as easy as it might look like
Ibrahim standfirm: And you might feel that we are talking about you but its not the case
Myra: Do you understand how uncomfortable it would be when you ar in your home and people around you are speaking in a different language - and quite loud in volume? (You do know that we think Africas speak way too loud an exagerated - that adds to the discomfort.)
Ibrahim standfirm: I know this language thing a lot of people are finding it difficult to understand and I wish its easy on our part to just adapt to it
Ibrahim standfirm: Yes its not an easy place to be
Myra: Maybe - but you can't make your spouses friends and family do what you want them to do so that is easier for you.
Ibrahim standfirm: You knowing what is been discussed I know its even here you get to a place you see that people there have their own language from what you underatand and whatever is been discussed you don't understand it
Ibrahim standfirm: Its not an easy place to be but you change that so you choose to ignore them
(At this point, I lost some of the conversation, so I have so try recreate what I said - if I state some of it wrong I am sure my husband will post to the blog in correction - lol)
Myra: I think that best we can do is to focus on this issue as a couple and figure out what we need to do in our home to make it ok for us - we can't change the rest of the world. Here's what I am going to do: 1. I am going to choose to remember that my husband would never do or say anything to hurt me; 2. I am going to remember that I want my husband to be comfortable living our new life and I am going to do my part to support your transition so I have to allow you to do some things that are more comfortable for you. But, I need you to know that my little sensitive insecure person will occasionally raise her cute little head and she will react uncomfortably when you and your friends are laughing loudly, looking in my direction, and possibly saying my name - she is not strong and will assume that worse (working on her). Finally, please know that I want to learn your language only so that I can be a part of your life as you are a part of mine. Because I am interested in your life (sometimes I am nosey) I may ask you who you are talking to on the phone and what you were talking about - but, my finally commitment is to minimize my asking you because I want you to know that I trust you.
Ibrahim standfirm: Lol that is natural when someone says something that you didn't hear and they look in your direction or say your name witought knowinng what is going on will surely raise some eye brows. At first I might think you don't trust me when you keep ask me who I am talking to and what I am saying - but, I will learn to understand better.
________________________________________________________________________________
As you can see we have a way to go on this issue - it ain't going to be easy, but, are we sincere in our willingness to try. I still say it begins with trust.
Well - that's most of the conversation - comments and questions are welcomed. Please share your stories.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Congratulations - You are an American Woman Married to a Ghanaian Man!
OMG! Do we really understand what we have decided to do by accepting the hand of a man from Ghana? It is exotic, sounds exciting, but do you really understand this journey you and your Ebony Prince have embarked upon? You had some great times visiting him in Ghana - you feel in your spirit he is the man of your dreams - the man God has sent to complete your life. You have gone through the tedious and stressful visa journey - spent thousands and thousands of dollars - now you are living as husband and wife in the great USA.
Today is February 20, 2011 - the first day of this blog. Me and my husband are still waiting for his visa process to be completed. In the process of our long journey I have met several cool sisters who are either at the same place where I am or they have brought them men home to the US. Some cases, the love is strong and still prevails - others were not as lucky - but, that's how marriage can go no matter the background. But, the one thing that has been consistent with each of these sisters whose husbands have arrived to the states - they realized that there was a lot they didn't understand about their man - so much to learn.
By the requests of a few of these sisters I decided to start a blog where they can share their experiences (anonymously of course) in an effort to help the rest of us in our preparation for our husbands. God knows we all want our marriage to work and what we go through in the visa process is an indication of how hard we are willing to work and sacrifice for our marriage.
I am ready to learn - let the stories begin...
Today is February 20, 2011 - the first day of this blog. Me and my husband are still waiting for his visa process to be completed. In the process of our long journey I have met several cool sisters who are either at the same place where I am or they have brought them men home to the US. Some cases, the love is strong and still prevails - others were not as lucky - but, that's how marriage can go no matter the background. But, the one thing that has been consistent with each of these sisters whose husbands have arrived to the states - they realized that there was a lot they didn't understand about their man - so much to learn.
By the requests of a few of these sisters I decided to start a blog where they can share their experiences (anonymously of course) in an effort to help the rest of us in our preparation for our husbands. God knows we all want our marriage to work and what we go through in the visa process is an indication of how hard we are willing to work and sacrifice for our marriage.
I am ready to learn - let the stories begin...
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