To my sisters whose husbands/fiances have safely arrived to the US or soon to arrived, let me say congratulations and Welcome to the US! The same is extended to wives who have recently arrived or will soon arrive to the US - we sometimes forget that it is not only American women who have found love in Ghana. I hope you will all keep us posted on your progress by sharing your lessons in love within an inter-cultural relationship. Now for the rest of us Ladies or Gentlemen in Waiting - how should we be spending our time through this long visa journey?
The first obvious response to that question is that how we spend our time is personal to each of us. The problem is that we sometimes spend so much of that time missing, worrying, feeling lonely, and/or sometimes confused. This doesn't mean we don't feel loved - but, these other feelings put us at risk of loosing our focus on what really matters when we allow these negative empty feelings to dwell longer, and become more powerful, in our lives than they should.
I was asked to start this topic because of a husband who is concerned about his wife managing emotionally through the journey. Just yesterday I was giving in a little to the emotional strain of my separation from my husband. Being the wise and intuitive man that he is (translation - he knows his wife well) in our conversation yesterday evening he could tell I was having "a separation anxiety moment". Hmmm - let me think about that a minute. Was it his intuitiveness that revealed my state of mind or was it the sniffling sounds on my end of the phone accompanied by the baby like voice that just seems to appear whenever I am having "a separation anxiety moment"? Anyway, he said the words that are guaranteed to snap me out of my moment almost every time. He said "baby, I worry about you when you get like this, I feel so helpless to do anything for you" - Whoa! The last thing I ever want to do is to worry my husband and put him in a state of helplessness! That is so unacceptable to me. All of a sudden I feel like a wimp and a punk. Then he said the words that without any doubt or consideration will always heal my ailing soul, he said "I love you" then gave me a very big kiss over the phone line while he was talking to me outside of his home - that's right, a public display of affection! What was there left for me to do but Woman-Up and get back to the business of living my life as I need to do and he expects me to do. Since this is my blog I am going to share with you what I have been doing while waiting for my husband (3 years now) to arrive to the US. Maybe some of my approaches will stir up ideas for others.
Inventory
When I speak of Inventory, I am referring to the process of taking stock of what is and should remain, then eliminating what no longer has purpose for my new life with my husband. This inventory includes both material things and emotional. I'm not sure which one had the most clutter - material or emotional. Every week, sometimes daily, I identify more clutter to sort through. I thought the material aspect would be the easiest to manage - you know the drill, pull out of the stuff in a closet so that you can make space for your husband; sort through it; pick out the stuff you haven't used or touched in two years or more; dispose of the unused items. As you begin to sort through all the stuff, your hidden treasures, the memories of each item begins to flood your mind. There is story associated with every piece of stuff that you moved to the dispose of stack. Then the walk down memory lane begins and slowly you begin convincing yourself why you should keep some of the stuff a little longer. You figure that if you just reorganize the closet in a more efficient manner, you can keep some of the stuff plus make room for your husband. So, you start reorganizing and shifting things around. At the end, you have a very neatly arranged closet including some of your old stuff, and, what's this - there is a little corner left for your husband to store some of his stuff. Mission accomplished! Who are we kidding with this exercise in futility? I have a closet in my guess room that I am about to inventory for the 5th time - especially since I opened the closet door the other day after reaching my arm inside of the closet to move some stuff around so that I could easily open it then was shocked to see the stuff that fell out of the closet when I finally got the door open. It's a work in progress. Just like my emotional closet.
Yes, I have done the same type of inventory on my emotions and habits I have developed over the years. Just like my closet, in an attempt to dispose of them, I will start sorting out the things in my mind that I know are detrimental to a strong marriage - you know, stuff like jealousy, etc. Just my closet, my mind will sometimes start justifying why I need to keep some of those habits and emotions because of what they have meant to me in the past or have protected my other emotions. So I begin the process of trying to re-categorize them in my mind in a way that justifies their existence only to realize that I have left only a small space for my husband to be properly loved in my life - a work in progress. Just like my closet, I realize that sometimes I have to take one item at a time and deal with it. The one thing I have available to me is time - I don't think I would be able to properly perform this type of Inventory if my husband was here, so, I am using my time wisely to prepare for him through my Inventory processes. I must say, I have made some wonderful progress.
Service
What better way to spend your time than in service of others. As a person who has had my share of dealing with chemically caused depression, service is a type of therapy with a purpose that I realized years ago. I am sure many of you are already active in serving others. I am just sharing the other benefits of serving others within your passion. Serving within your passion means identifying what you enjoy doing. What is one thing that makes you feel good about you that you would do at no cost for someone else? I know what my one thing is and I keep myself open for opportunities to share it with others whenever I can. In some cases, I create the opportunity to share my one thing with others. Serving within my passion has strengthened my spirit in an abundant way. My decision to serve within my passion has lead me to begin planning for a potential larger mission designed to serve a larger population.
Physical Improvement
Need I say more here. We all know that there are things in our physical appearance or health that could use some attention. When was the last time you went to the dentist or had an overall physical exam? Years ago I was diagnosed with have a little elevated blood pressure - dang! Over the years I had been reckless with taking my medicine. Since being married I stopped that nonsense - my husband wants to find me here healthy and happy. I am not a slender woman and don't really have an interest in being thin. However, for the purpose of my health and how I want to feel in my clothes I want to drop some of my weight. Here's the interesting thing, I was able to get that process started by joining my husband in fasting during Ramadan. Loss about 20 pounds and have only gained back about 3 - which I have recently loss during my Lent fasting. Fasting has done so much for me both physically and spiritually - it is a gift that I will keep in my life and look forward to doing at least twice a year.
My point in this entire discussion is that we have been given a beautiful gift of time and we received it for a purpose. If we spend that gift in the land of sadness and sorrow we have squandered our gift. Are we going to have moments of sadness - absolutely; it is expected because we are in love and desire being with the one we love. Speaking as a wife, I realize that I must be mindful and careful with the pressure I put on my husband. He is going through the separation with me and he misses me as much as I miss him - he just doesn't do the baby whine and sniffles. As my husband, he sees his role as my protector and wants to do whatever he can to keep me safe and happy. Unfortunately, our situation has limited what he can do for me in that respect - something that causes him stress at times. He reminds me to remember the blessings we do have and to celebrate those blessings everyday as opposed to dwelling on what we don't have.
That's my strategy. Open to more ideas.
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