I had a conversation a few days ago with my best friend Alicia regarding some ideas we have been exploring about the work we would like to do in partnership with women in Ghana. The partnership we are hoping to create is one that would involve empowering women through advanced education. It was a wonderful conversation, lots of great ideas were generated. But then, I heard Alicia's brakes come to a screeching halt when I told her that there is one major issue that might be able a barrier to our mission - the perception held by some of our Ghanaian brothers and sisters of the role of women in addition to situations that appear to have the appearance of a caste system. "A caste system is a type of social structure which divides people on the basis of inherited social status." I told her of my observations of how some of the women who appeared to be in domestic service roles were treated with less respect than other women. There were other behaviors I observed that presented a difference in how women were treated when not a part of the immediate family with the mother of a family given the highest amount of respect. Regardless if it were the mother or a domestic service worker, men still assumed the highest position within a family in many respects.
It is not my intention to use this blog to analyze my limited view of women in Ghana. However, what my observations have suggested to me is that a discussion must be held with our husbands regarding what it means for them to be the Head of the Household. More specifically, what does it mean in relation to my role as a partner in my marriage. Are we really partners if one is the Head? What is your definition of the Head of the Household in comparison to your husband's definition? What influence or perspective will the role women play in Ghana have on your relationship?
If you are like me, you have been the "Head" of your household for many years. The buck started and stopped with you. You make all the major decisions as significant as where you should live or what type of car you should purchase down to should you buy margarine or butter. Does the "Head" of the household mean that your decisions can be over-ridden by your husband and he must approve every action? Does it mean you have to report to him on everywhere you go and everyone you talk to and he does not? My sisters, you won't really understand his perspective on how he views his role in your home if you don't explore it from a situation perspective. He might tell you that he views both of you as partners - don't assume his understanding of a partnership is the same as yours. I am not trying to say that he is attempting to mislead you, but, you have to remember that his orientation to relationships and partnerships is different than yours.
So, what if you and your husband have a clear agreement and understanding of the role each of you will play in the marriage and it does include expecting him to take sort of a more lead role (I'm trying to get use to even saying it - I got so much work to do!). I can see a need for an agreement on what he needs to learn about the management of the home before he can fully assume the role he might want to assume. Can you imagine how this action alone may emasculate him if we don't handle it in the right way? Our Ghanaian men are very proud men in their role as a husband and...head of the household (I can't believe how painful that really is for me to receive!). Anyway, when they first get here they may be at a lost for where to begin in their new role. I see our role as a wife being very, very important at this point. We have to make it our responsibility to shore them up in a way that doesn't not make them look or feel diminished in their new role because of the adjustment and learning curve they will have in the beginning. I think the more we can do to begin to educate them before they get here on what is involved in managing a US home the easier it will be. Some basic things include the management of a bank account because some of our men have never had to deal with a bank account since they tend to do most transactions in cash. Consider reviewing each of the household bills with them to help them understand how the billing systems work - I am making my own personal note to do this one with my husband. Send them a copy of a grocery receipt to begin to get them accustomed to what you spend on groceries and what you buy and why. How about US currency - are they familiar with it? You can find websites, like the following, to assist with understanding US currency
http://www.universitylanguage.com/guides/us-currency/ . How about sales tax and let's not forget income taxes? Are you going to have 3 bank accounts - his, mine, and ours or just ours?
Again, this is not about right or wrong - I am just saying you shouldn't assume that you both have the same idea of the role each will play in the household. Awww - don't forget to talk about housework!
I am in a similar position...in all honesty anyone who is in a relationship with a person half way around the world is probably a Alpha personality who is used to managing their lives. It takes an Alpha to get on that plane and put their lives in the hands of a virtual stranger.
ReplyDeleteI have always been the work-a-holic, get'er done person. I have lived all over the US & moved across country multiple times on my own. And I am getting ready to do it again since the the Embassy priortizes CR1 at the bottom of the list.
In the begining of the relationship I tried to explain the difference between want and need. That I am at a place where I want someone in my life again...but I do not "need" in the tradional way a young woman that is raising a family and expecting support needs. And I personally prefer to be wanted rather than needed. I made it very clear that this was a pardnership of equals.
But it seems to "bother" him that I do things by myself. He seems to want me to wait for him to get here...like he feels threatened by that fact that if something needs to get done...I get it done. I have never had anyone to do for me, and I damn sure wouldn't be where I am in life waiting for someone else to handle my business.
It is not very realistic for anyone to expect women who have running their own lives and managing everything in them to meekly hand over control of everything without knowing the person they hand it to is fully capable of doing a good job. There is a huge learning curve to assimulate the complications to the US way of life. The man needs to be willing to take time and learn about things. It would be the same if we relocated over there. I will never figure out the phone / airtime prepay system and the complicated phone tag everyone does over there ;).
I do everything I can to try to mentally prepare him...and remind him I am strong and will always be strong..because a weak woman wouldn't even survive the process of getting him here.
I really wish this would have been a topic my husband and I would have discussed before his coming and I am so glad you are posting these blogs to help others out. As for me and my husband I want him to take a more active role in running the household, decision making, etc as it is a big job for me with working and caring for kids, and I don't always like feeling like the only one in control. He doesn't try to control me in any respect and is mindful and supportive of the fact that I am working and supporting the house until he gets his residency and ss card so he can get a job. So maybe he doesn't feel like he should have any say at this time because he is not supporting me or my kids. I really don't know but it is sometimes frustrating to me. I know the adjustment is hard and takes time, I know he is still learning our ways. I am being as patient as I can but sometimes...... I ask simple things like what do you want for dinner and I get a "I don't care" or "whatever you want" response. Any ideas how to address this issue?
ReplyDeleteJenabee, you have said that you wish you and your husband had discussed this topic before he came to the US - why not discuss it now? Any discussion and agreements made prior to our husbands relocating to the US will probably need to be revisited, maybe several times, even after they arrive. Now that your husband is here your discussion on this issue might be more meaningful because he now has a point of reference to what you are discussing.
ReplyDeleteYou said that "maybe he doesn't feel like he should have any say at this time because he is not supporting me or my kids". The key word you used was "maybe" - this is a possible indication that the time is right for a discussion because there are somethings you are not sure of when it comes to his actions. Consider the conversation as sort of a "pulse check" discussion. He's been here for a little while, you have been living together for that entire time so it may be time to discuss how things are working out for both of you. Both of you should share information about how you are feeling about the relationship - what's working; does a need exist for improvement in any area; what aspects of your relationship is meeting both of your expectations that you had prior to the two of you living together and what is not; in retrospect what would either of you have like to have done differently before moving together. Be clear and specific about how you feel in situations and encourage (not nag) him to do the same using phrases like "I feel _____ when you _____". For example, you might say "I feel like you are not engaged in our life when you say you don't care about what I prepare for dinner" or just straight out ask him what it means when he says "I don't care" - he might really be that flexible. Have you asked him what role he would like to fulfill in your relationship? Have you reminded him of how he has fulfilled his role as your husband? It is not unusual that men have fulfilled a role as a husband from a perspective that he doesn't realize. Remember that traditionally, most men and most cultures judge their value as a husband and a man by how they can provide the basic needs for their family which occurs through financial support.
On the other hand, could your husband simply be comfortable with you managing the issues related to the household because this is what he is accustomed to? In Ghana, was he asked what he wanted to eat for dinner or was dinner simply presented to him? What role did women play in his life when he was in Ghana? Remember, he is not yet working, and if the role he is more comfortable with and accustomed to is being a financial provider he may be feeling out of place in the things you are asking of him. I understand that things are different in the US and this is where he lives now. But, he is your husband not some random man off the street so it is your responsibility to take the time to understand his perspective just as you need him to give you understanding. Whatever you do, please use caution in demonstrating your frustration and disappointment in his lack of action in the areas you were expecting to see him get involved in. If in fact he is seeing a need to do some things differently than when he was in Ghana remember that change takes time and man handles change better when it is his idea not our nagging request (not that you nag, but, some of us do).
I can tell you are getting a little stressed, but, his pride and ego maybe at risk. Take it from me, the best way to loose a man is by doing things that makes him feel you are attacking his ego - and don't ask him if he feels you are attacking his ego. Do your research to learn about the male ego.
Those are my thoughts - which I have jotted down for myself as well.
being a man comes with a lot of responsibilities and as the bible clearly states that women are weaker vessels and so therefore men who are stronger should protect their wives in all aspects of life. it doesn't mean when women need to do something they have to always turn to their husbands for the red light. it all entails to the understanding between the both of you. i personally see my wife as a very strong woman and the kind of struggle she goes through may not be kind of struggle some men will love to see themselves in. i correct her when she goes wayward and vice versa. its just the understanding we have that is making us okay.
ReplyDeleteAndrew - again I must thank you for sharing your comments. We so need to hear from the men. Please help me with this questions - what do the words "women are weaker vessels" mean to you?
ReplyDeleteI apologize for getting on my soap box, but anyone who thinks I or any other woman who has survived brutal childhoods, abusive relationships, started over with nothing when some MAN has destroyed everything we have worked for, for years is a "weaker vessel" and needs correcting is in for a very rude awakening. No one helped me get where I am in life, and the mistakes I have made along the way are mine to correct or learn from. But I am way beyond the point in life where anyone who is not signing my pay check corrects me.
ReplyDeleteThe reason most women look beyond the US for companionship is that we can not fulfill a mental need. We are looking for someone with a different attitude and perspective. But I don't think any of us are looking for a father figure to "correct us" of some perceived wrong doing.
All of us who are a little (or alot) older have what the military calls time & grade...meaning we have worked hard to get where we are and have earned our knowledge of life. I have told my husband that I can ease his way by allowing him to learn from my mistakes or he can ignor the fact that no matter what I will always be older with more life experience and make mistakes that could have been avoided adding 20 years to his own learning curve. His choice...some people have to get blown up a few times for not paying attention when someone yells "incoming", and they fail to take cover. Or like we learned as kids...hard head makes for a soft ass.
We are obviously women who are used to supporting ourselves and usually others. We work hard to get where we are and unless we are independantly wealthy, went deeply into debit in the pursuit of our relationships. If for not any other reason than the sacrafices and the years of working ourselves into the ground we have put in to make this happen, we should be valued and cherished. We should be your "best friend". We are not looking for finanical support, we are looking for quality companionship. I don't need a father figure to chastise me. I need someone who values my life experience and is willing to accept that it took an exceptionaly strong person to get here. I are not looking for a man who feels like he has make me appear weaker to make himself look stronger. IE don't poke the sleeping tiger with a stick, the end result is a pissed off hungry tiger and a fool standing there with nothing but a stick. Because inside every woman who has survived what ever life has thrown at her and has the strength to regroup and rebuild, is a sleeping tiger. (even an old tiger...is still a tiger)
Wow... @ Andrew, I totally understand what U mean as in weaker vessel in quotation of the Bible. My Husband & I approach our relationship/marriage from a Biblical sense as well. It comes natural for us. Some others it may not and/or that's their perrogative. I love to submit to my Husband & I am a fiesty, strong girl myself. And I understand what U mean about sometimes having to bring Ur spouse back bcz some Americans have grown accostumed to talking and being aggressive and thats not normal with our Ghanaian spouses. It's all for the better. (if that is what a person chooses)My Husband is amazing and I'm glad to be his helpmate and love to submit to him..... and he doesn't abuse it, he is gentle and has care and concern in ALL of his dealings... I trust Him....I don't have to act like I am the Man with Him.. and I'm mindful of his ego.. I come from a family... I can already sense that he can't wait to establish himself so he can take over.. & I am like bring it "Daddy". Seriously, we always consider each other's feelings and wishes. We've always had in-depth conversations from the beginning.. Time will tell and experience is the best teacher... Husbands’ exercise of authority, in turn, must not be an
ReplyDeletearbitrary or abusive one, but should be motivated by love.15 Again, Peter’s teaching is found to
cohere with that of Paul: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives,
and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of
life” (1 Pet. 3:7).
14In that context, husbands’ love is further defined as not being harsh with one’s wife (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7
Praying for all the women who have difficulty not being the "Man" of the relationship...
ReplyDeleteRather, the biblical model for marriage is that of loving complementarity, where the
husband and the wife are partners who value and respect each other and where the husband’s
loving leadership is met with the wife’s intelligent response. If Christ chooses to submit to God
the Father while being equal in worth and personhood, there seems to be no good reason why
God could not have designed the husband-and-wife relationship in such a way that the wife is
called to submit to the man while likewise being equal in worth and personhood. As Paul writes
to the Corinthians, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head
of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3).
Thanks to everyone who added comments - great discussion. This is definitely an emotional topic that needs to be understood within a relationship. And, I am still waiting for someone to explain what it means to be the Head of the Household? I am just curious to know if their are different definitions/perspectives.
ReplyDeletehead of household n. 1) in federal income tax law, the person filing a tax return who manages the household which has dependents such as children and/or other dependent relatives living in the home, but does not file on a joint return with a spouse. The calculation of taxes is somewhat more favorable to a head of household than to a person finally singly. 2) anyone who manages the affairs of the family living in a household, who need not be the husband/father or wife/mother, but could be a grandparent, uncle, aunt, son or daughter. 3) "head of family."
ReplyDeleteThat is the exact definition I found when I googled this term we throw around so loosely.
ReplyDeleteBut, I took my own advice and decided to have a conversation with my husband to see what he meant by Head of Household. Below is our chat as it just happened:
Myra: What does being the Head of Household mean to you?
Ibrahim : It mean day to day affairs of the home falls to you or be known to you. Not necessarily like a daily report sort of thing
Myra: Give me an example
Ibrahim : Its a vast thing. But what I can say is like doing something that has to do with our home at least I expect that at least I will have an idea as what you are planning on
Myra: Where does head of the household fit into a partnership marriage?
Ibrahim : Like I said most of the time it more like a title
Ibrahim : Its not this is a head department like the way its done at work places
Ibrahim : Its just some sort of respect to the man of house that's all
Myra: Does it mean that you could be planning something for the household and not tell me?
Ibrahim : No whatever planning that you wish to do regarding your home you need to discuss it with your wife she is a stake holder a major one as such she has to be part of it. Its not an authoritarian type rule that you are going to have on you house hold
Myra: I love you man! I am not surprised at your answers - they reflect who I know you to be.
Ibrahim : You will need to share in on most of what you are planning to do
Ibrahim : Really its what its
Myra: How do you feel about all the things you will need to learn about managing a home in the US?
Ibrahim : You are head of the house because you have an iron fist no to bring your wisdom into the home
Myra: What do you mean by iron fist?
Myra: I think my fist is pretty strong?
Ibrahim : lol an iron fist is like you trying to rule your house hold with authority without consulting the before taking any decision which will eventually has something to do with them
Myra: I'm confused - are you saying that you are bringing an iron fist into your role as you just described or are you not?
Ibrahim : No that is what am saying what am saying is you don't need an iron fist to be head of a home. Its only a respect that is accorded to you
Myra: Ok - earlier you were trying to say that you bring your wisdom and not an iron fist - right?
Ibrahim : Yes
Myra: Ok - back to my other question. How do you feel about all that you have to learn about managing a home in the US?
Ibrahim : Am ready to learn how to do that , I don't know so many things there so its ony good for to get to know to see what I can do about it or what needs to be done
Myra: You know we will work closely together.
Ibrahim : Yes of course
Myra: So baby do you understand what I mean when I talk about how much of an adjustment it is going to be for me to share the management of our home since. I have been doing it by myself for a very, very long time?
Ibrahim : Its a team work
Myra: But do you understand what I have to adjust to?
Ibrahim : I will not try to impose myself on things like that I learn to be patient until the time right for me to take control
Myra: What does take control mean?
Ibrahim : To assume the name head of house
Ibrahim: What I mean control does not mean to control anything in the house
Ibrahim : It means things will fall on my shoulder as the man of the house that's all
Myra: Does it mean you make all the decisions on how all the money is spent?
Ibrahim : All that am saying is am not going to try to take make decision for everybody its not an authoritarian thing we discuss everything together until we all agree that this is the way its going to be for us
Ibrahim : That includes money and everything else
Myra: I think I got it. Thank you for hanging in there with my questions.
Ibrahim : You are welcome
Not trying to advocate our perspective for anyone else. I am just happy that my husband and I have had this conversation and we are in agreement - that's all that matters to me.
I think it is funny how we assign gender to a role, women being "the man"...Because I am hard working, capable, and short of needing shear brute strength, can learn and do almost any thing, that means I am "the man"? Because I am independant, managed my own life, make my own decisions, and mistakes...without the benefit of male guidence that makes me "the man"? Or does that make me a responsible adult that handles my business, works my butt off, and does not think I need to defer to anyone. I do not think that I am superior to my husband because I make more money and have more material possessions, and he is not superior to me because he has a penis.... IF he was looking for a "submissive relationship" he should have gotten a puppy. I need a life partner who can work with me to reach mutual goals. I come from a world where respect is earned not given and has nothing to do with gender. Has to do with intelligence, drive, and is mutual. I gave my daughters Barbies and Tonka Trucks...because Barbie CAN drive the truck. My youngest daughter is a career soldier E6 and on her second tour in Iraq. She was a DI and has ran in marathons, and can field strip and assemble a 50 cal as fast as anyone...and looks like a fashion model...But she can drive anything, use any weapon, and the only thing she is afraid of is the dentist. She manages her career and is far more successful than I will ever be. That makes her a successful PERSON.
ReplyDeleteMy sister, I am right there with you on this issue. You are really bringing more life to my point in this discussion. The reality that many of us (women) are very experienced and successful in managing a household which often has included raising children by ourselves does not mean we are trying to be men-we are just handling our business. What we have accomplished should not be minimized but applauded. We are proud of what we have done on our own. You sound like me in that I am not looking for my husband to just take the reigns and now I sit back into a role of yes sir or honey may I. That doesn't mean that I won't discuss things with him - because we have made a commitment to make decisions as a team. As my husband described in our chat, the term Head of Household is simply an earned title of honor - and I have no problem giving him the title because we have an understanding on what to expect from each other & what not to do to each other. If he is true to his word, and this makes him feel proud, by all means I will refer to him as the Head of our Household because it doesn't diminish me in our marriage. I am strong within who I am as a child of God, a woman, a wife, a mother, a servant of God's children.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping to bring to the forefront the fact that we need to be sure we understand the role our husbands expect to play before they get here - it actually should have been discussed in detail before we were married. For those who had that detailed discussion - bravo! My lead in point in the topic where I allude to the role of women in Ghana is very important. My sisters if you don't believe women are viewed differently in Ghana than in the US you are leading with blinders on. Do you realize that it is still common for women to be beaten in Ghana by their husbands? How many women did you see engaging in discussions on politics with the men? That is not to say that your husband isn't true in his words to work in partnership with you. Words are just words without understanding the meaning each person has for the word. (Remember the discussion on the meaning of the word "friend"?) The only way I can find that out is by asking for specific examples to determine if we are talking about the same thing. In addition, if this type of relationship is new for your husband - even though he is true in his desire for a partnership marriage - you should understand that it may take some time for him to evolve to a different way of responding to women. This is why I said look around him and see how he interacted with other women. Did you see him giving directions and instructions to people to serve him? I am not saying that is wrong, it is a part of the culture. But, it is a habit and life style they are use to and it will take time for some of them to meet you where you are - patience and understanding. As a woman who is use to being in control, I know I am going to fall back on my habit of getting things done without consulting anyone. I am going to need my husband to be patient and understanding with me as I learn to integrate him fully into the business end of our life. It is a noteworthy thing to say that you will let your husband lead - you just need to understand what that means by specific examples.
Marriages between American women and Ghanaian men are happening everyday and are failing very rapidly because of some of the things discussed in this blog. A friend of mine has been looking for statistics to support our theory about these relationships. I can personally tell you that I know of quite a few of these relationships that began with all the beautiful things about love that we have all said before our men are living with us. Too many of those same relationships are struggling or have failed because of this topic alone.
Believe the promise and commitment your husband has made to you, as I believe in my husband. But, remember his frame of reference on issues is not the same as yours - take some time to explore deeper to make sure you are talking about the same thing.
Good topic. I ask my fiance what was his definition of head of household. To sum it up his response was it was just a title. He said, the woman is the neck and the man was the head. He said th head cannot work without the neck. Therefore, the man and woman work together to make decisions.
ReplyDeleteNow, the comment about it is common for the man to beat woman in Ghana. He disagreed with that. He said today it is not common. Men can go to jail for beating women in Ghana. Just like here in the U.S they will call police. He said, woman has major roles in Ghana. Women are leads in some political postions in Ghana. The chief of Justice in Ghana is a woman. The minister of Educations is a woman. Check this link: http://www.ghana.gov.gh/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=81&Itemid=228 He also mention their are so many organizations in Ghana today the\at speak up for the rights of woman, Sheree
Great topic. I ask my fiance what his definition of head of household and his response was it was just a title but it really didnt mean a man was strictly the head of ther home. He said the man was the head/lead but without the woman it did not mean anything. He said the woman was the neck that control the man as head. The head needs the head to work. Therefore the two work together as a team to make decisions. I also ask him about the comment that it was common for a men in Ghana to beat women. He did not agree with that, In Ghana times has change alot in the roles of woman. He mention that their are many woman that have major political roles. Currently, Georgina Theodora Wood, the first woman to hold position as Head of Justice of Ghana. He also said that there are many organizations in support of woman rights in Ghana. It is not common as we may think that men beat women in Ghana. They can go to jail and many women will not hesitate to call the police if a man beats her. Sheree
ReplyDeleteOpps. The head needs the neck to work. lol
ReplyDeleteGood information Sheree - thank you for sharing another man's opinion on this issue. The woman's empowerment and enlightenment movement in Ghana is alive and active and things are starting to change for the better in Ghana as it relates to women. I thank God that we have the men who have changed with the times.
ReplyDeleteMy husband says we are partners yes but he is the head of the household but not in the ways people think. He wants to be the one to take care of the family and the provider of all that we need mostly. But all decisions are made jointly with us they always have been. I consult my husband on a daily basis about decisions even here so he is aware so of the situations and how things work here and the way it is taken care of and we talk it over together. We started that in the begining and have continued. Even though he is in Ghana I share everything with him and we make all the decisions together and I explain the bills and how they are and so forth so he will have a better understanding of them when he comes. He isn't using his head of the household to red light me or my decisions. We always share in everything and make all of them together. When he comes he wants to remove alot of stresses from me and give me the support and guidance only a good husband would do. He does that now even. But he doesn't like to live lavish and he don't like spending money so he is conservative as am I so that isn't any thing we will have difficulty with. We will have one bank accound JOINT of course and we will both work from that. He is on his own there in Ghana responsible for everything including household things and he likes to do them but those things will be much easier for him when he comes here cause we have washer and dryer and he is used to doing it all by hand...which I do with him when I'm there. We share in all when I'm there and we will do all the same here. He loves to cook and he knows best how to cook what he is used to and I will cook so he can learn more about things here and we just take it step by step. But we are joint.....and jointly will do it all together .........
ReplyDelete