Lessons I have learned

It was a week ago today that I started this blog. Since that time, the blog has 20 posts, 89 comments, and 1,150 page views, with 14 identified followers.  After numerous conversations with sisters and brothers in inter-cultural relationships between the US and Ghana I realized there were a number of common scenarios we were all facing as it relates to the visa process and creating and sustaining a relationship filled with challenges out of our control. Yes, there are some things that you might associate with cultural. However, after reading all the comments here and those I received outside of this blog I have three observations that I would like to share:

First,  there are some powerful love connections being made between the US and Ghana. Most began through online connections. Even though I was the only person who posted my love story I know of so many other beautiful stories between Ghanains and Americans.  I know of a couple who recently were reunited in the US just in time for their baby to be born. I remember the husband telling me that all he wanted to do was to greet his wife at the airport and plant a sweet kiss on her beautiful belly. I know of at least two couples who have come together both in love and within ministries focused on helping children and others in Ghana. I have heard women speak so proudly about their ability to respect their husband's wish to not demonstrate public displays of affection - because they know how much that man loves them and this is just a small accommodation to make. The words of love expressed so easily on face book by the husbands. Two of my new friends got married within the last six months and they speak of their husbands as if they are already living here in the states.Then there are the couples that have reached the joy of coming together in the US. One thing has been consistent, the love that was created between them that was tested through years of waiting through the visa process has not crumbled even through the challenges of the transition.

It seems like we are always hearing about those bad situations when someone from the US and Africa have come together in a fraudulent relationship (sometimes both parties are involved in the fraud). How often do you hear these beautiful stories of real love between people from the US and Africa? Like most things, we tend to recognize and promote the negative gossipy things. 

Second- I was talking to my husband (I think he is getting a little tired of my relationship discussions - starting to treat him like a girlfriend - I need to check myself here) and I said to him that it seems like most of the challenges people are talking about are not always due to the differences in culture. I mean, think about it, if you remove all the things that we think have to do with cultural differences are we saying that our relationships will be perfect? When you were not in an inter-cultural relationship (aren't all relationships inter-cultural to some degree) did everything go smoothly? Are we missing some fundamental things that should be done in every relationship and simply blaming our challenges on the differences in our culture? Think about it. When all is said an done isn't the issue usually a need for communication that includes active listening, thoughtfulness, and respect?

Third, we are being too loose with disrespectful comments of other cultures. I have heard things said about both Americans and Ghanaians that were so ugly - I'm sure I am guilty here as well. What is wrong with us - the moment we don't understand we harshly criticize. There is way too much beauty in both countries for us to be so slanderous and egocentric. I believe there are more things that we have in common than don't have in common - that includes both the good and the bad. 

I told my husband that in some ways this blog may be helpful, but, I question the possibility of it also contributing to people using culture as an excuse for not doing the work needed to make their relationship a success. He said that it is possible. (At this point, I decided to give him a break and we continued our conversation about one of his favorite subjects - food!)

Let me end this discussion with sharing what Ibrahim and I are trying to do - we have decided to create our own culture - one that works uniquely for the both of us and includes respect for those non-negotiable areas of our individual cultures. Many of you have already begun to do this - think about the issue of public displays of affection. Have you not figured out how to balance out each others needs in this area in a way that works best for you and no one else?

I do hope as couples you will read the posts and comments on this blog. Hanson Ewan expressed it so clearly when he asked me if we were really going through all the hurdles discussed in the chat. You can't expect someone to understand what they don't know - the best way to get to know is through talking - not nagging, talking; and listening, not just saying you heard someone, actively listen. As my husband would tell me, we are making this thing way to complicated. Remember why you fell in love - start there.