This blog is focused on sharing experiences, starting with mine, on the relationship challenges associated with a spouse or fiance immigrating to the US along with the interesting process of developing and sustaining an inter-cultural relationship. I am the US citizen and my inter-cultural relationship is with a Ghanaian man - so most of the discussion involves similar relationships. However, the blog is open to hearing experiences of any relationship that is relevant to the topics posted.
Send topic suggestions to me at visajourneyghana@gmail.com.
Learning to follow God's lead!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Privacy and Ghanaian Men
Just trying to understand the strong sense of secrecy and extreme privacy in the Ghanaian culture. This topic is being posted by request. What are your thoughts?
Okay here goes... I have discussed this with my husband and even our pastor in Ghana. Some firmly believe that when your information is out there people will use it against you since they are jealous and spiteful..Sometimes to the point of using Sakawa (my husband is laughing as I write this because he says it is so true and I am so crazy...(for actually writing this down).
In additon some on the other hand through observation of my family members in Ghana use it as an abuse of power over someone be it a wife, husband or family member. They do this because if found to be at fault for doing something very negative then they will have to deal with elders who will try to resolve the issue.
I have seen family members finally reveal that a man was beating his wife. Elder family members got involved and they had a long meeting at the house. The man clearly hated being found out and reprimanded and warned about correcting his behavior... I am sure there are situation with woman too.
Another situation where a young neighbor - girl just 15 was whoring around with many of the men in the building to everyone's amazement. Finally she got pregnant and a father was named (hmm, dates did not match up to me but...) and meeting had to be held in secrecy for a while until the young man's family moved her into her own place. He was a church going young man 22 years old...Church got involved etc. He still does not have anything to do with the baby who is just now 4 months old. Many people do not know he is the father....His sister and mother deal with the girl and her family.
Okay I am stopping now...Please remember these are my thoughts supported by examples. My favorite quote is...Don't ask me my opinion..because my opinion may not be your reality!
Now this is funny...my husband is the same way. Doesn't tell anyone anything. Says they are jealous and might try to mess something up. He has a relative who thinks he is rolling in money since he is married to an American, and nothing will convince them differently. We are far from it. I expect him to send a post card after he leaves...
This is a tough one because I do agree to some extent about not sharing your business. Of course, I don't know enough about life in Ghana to understand why this is a major feature of their culture - so I want to be respectful of the differences. What I do know is life in the US. Some of my international friends say that we talk too much. Maybe true, but, just like my Ghanaian brothers and sisters see a need to speak less we have examples of needing to speak more. For us, the more we know about a person or a situation the more confident we feel to trust that person. We don't like surprises.
In my marriage, I have found this to be an area of struggle for my husband because my way of learning things is to ask questions. I am the master at asking questions. I will ask from one angle, then switch to another angle. If you read through some of the other topic discussions on this blog you will find out that my husband is not always comfortable with this aspect of me. Because he is not accustomed to it, it sometimes makes him wonder my purpose of asking him so many questions. He has wondered if the motivation was a lack of trust along with some of those other behaviors that could challenge a relationship. The truth is that it probably was a combination of both trying to know what to trust and trying to learn who he is. As time has gone on, my questions are more often motivated by just wanting to learn more about him and how he thinks.
I don't think this level of discomfort with questions is limited to Ghanaian men - I have had a similar reaction from American men including my own son. But, knowing the culture of your spouse is very important in trying to understand and interpret his or her actions.
This issue of privacy must be explored and understood in your relationship - especially if you are married to a "need to know everything" American or a "keeping it to myself" Ghanaian.
What is really funny is they will ask us questions that in our culture are considered personal or private without hesitation. With some very unique results....It is all in perspective. Things we consider important are not so important and vise versa. I know my husband has developed one very American conceit, he looks down on manual labor, but he is a skilled brick layer. When I explained that it is a very lucrative skill in the US he was amazed. When the world becomes full of computer techs, whose going to build houses?
"need to know everything" American or a "keeping it to myself" Ghanaian...
That pretty much describes me and my husband... so now I have to figure out how to let go of the non-essentials and get answers to the essentials. It will be a work in progress and the distance does not help... I pray it is easier once we are in the same room under the same roof.
Thank you all for your comments it helps to know I am not alone and some of the background of the culture.
I totally agree with you trying2b... Have heard many things like that in the talks I have had and things I have learned about Ghana. They still have black magic and many other things and they have seen it work so they believe. We may take it lightly here but it is still even practiced in parts of the U.S. But not sure that is why they are so private... they have just been taught differently also and have different ways of doing and handling all kinds of situations.
Okay here goes... I have discussed this with my husband and even our pastor in Ghana. Some firmly believe that when your information is out there people will use it against you since they are jealous and spiteful..Sometimes to the point of using Sakawa (my husband is laughing as I write this because he says it is so true and I am so crazy...(for actually writing this down).
ReplyDeleteIn additon some on the other hand through observation of my family members in Ghana use it as an abuse of power over someone be it a wife, husband or family member. They do this because if found to be at fault for doing something very negative then they will have to deal with elders who will try to resolve the issue.
I have seen family members finally reveal that a man was beating his wife. Elder family members got involved and they had a long meeting at the house. The man clearly hated being found out and reprimanded and warned about correcting his behavior... I am sure there are situation with woman too.
Another situation where a young neighbor - girl just 15 was whoring around with many of the men in the building to everyone's amazement. Finally she got pregnant and a father was named (hmm, dates did not match up to me but...) and meeting had to be held in secrecy for a while until the young man's family moved her into her own place. He was a church going young man 22 years old...Church got involved etc. He still does not have anything to do with the baby who is just now 4 months old. Many people do not know he is the father....His sister and mother deal with the girl and her family.
Okay I am stopping now...Please remember these are my thoughts supported by examples. My favorite quote is...Don't ask me my opinion..because my opinion may not be your reality!
Now this is funny...my husband is the same way. Doesn't tell anyone anything. Says they are jealous and might try to mess something up. He has a relative who thinks he is rolling in money since he is married to an American, and nothing will convince them differently. We are far from it. I expect him to send a post card after he leaves...
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one because I do agree to some extent about not sharing your business. Of course, I don't know enough about life in Ghana to understand why this is a major feature of their culture - so I want to be respectful of the differences. What I do know is life in the US. Some of my international friends say that we talk too much. Maybe true, but, just like my Ghanaian brothers and sisters see a need to speak less we have examples of needing to speak more. For us, the more we know about a person or a situation the more confident we feel to trust that person. We don't like surprises.
ReplyDeleteIn my marriage, I have found this to be an area of struggle for my husband because my way of learning things is to ask questions. I am the master at asking questions. I will ask from one angle, then switch to another angle. If you read through some of the other topic discussions on this blog you will find out that my husband is not always comfortable with this aspect of me. Because he is not accustomed to it, it sometimes makes him wonder my purpose of asking him so many questions. He has wondered if the motivation was a lack of trust along with some of those other behaviors that could challenge a relationship. The truth is that it probably was a combination of both trying to know what to trust and trying to learn who he is. As time has gone on, my questions are more often motivated by just wanting to learn more about him and how he thinks.
I don't think this level of discomfort with questions is limited to Ghanaian men - I have had a similar reaction from American men including my own son. But, knowing the culture of your spouse is very important in trying to understand and interpret his or her actions.
This issue of privacy must be explored and understood in your relationship - especially if you are married to a "need to know everything" American or a "keeping it to myself" Ghanaian.
What is really funny is they will ask us questions that in our culture are considered personal or private without hesitation. With some very unique results....It is all in perspective. Things we consider important are not so important and vise versa. I know my husband has developed one very American conceit, he looks down on manual labor, but he is a skilled brick layer. When I explained that it is a very lucrative skill in the US he was amazed. When the world becomes full of computer techs, whose going to build houses?
ReplyDelete"need to know everything" American or a "keeping it to myself" Ghanaian...
ReplyDeleteThat pretty much describes me and my husband... so now I have to figure out how to let go of the non-essentials and get answers to the essentials. It will be a work in progress and the distance does not help... I pray it is easier once we are in the same room under the same roof.
Thank you all for your comments it helps to know I am not alone and some of the background of the culture.
I totally agree with you trying2b... Have heard many things like that in the talks I have had and things I have learned about Ghana. They still have black magic and many other things and they have seen it work so they believe. We may take it lightly here but it is still even practiced in parts of the U.S. But not sure that is why they are so private... they have just been taught differently also and have different ways of doing and handling all kinds of situations.
ReplyDelete