Ibrahim and I have had some moments where we were both confused on what was going on in a situation only to find out that it was a difference in perspective because of our differences in culture. Here's one of my favorite examples:
I was talking with my husband on the phone one day early in our relationship. A couple of times he would interrupt our conversation to speak to someone who was in the room with him. I couldn't hear this person's voice. Being the curious and interested woman that I am, naturally I asked him who he was talking to (of course he was speaking in his language which I couldn't understand - that's a discussion under another topic in this blog). His said he was talking to a friend. My response was - which friend. He said just a friend. Ok my red, white and blue sisters and brothers you know in the US when someone repeatedly says they are talking to a friend it typically implies some sort of discreet situation involving the opposite sex (or the same sex if that is your interest). You know my hater radar went into action. I could not believe my man was telling he was talking to a friend and would not identify the person. You know how we do - the third degree kicked into gear - keep in mind we were only a few months into our relationship. I needed to know who this friend was, what was their gender, what was their name, had I met them before, what are you talking about, and most importantly why can't you just tell me who this friend is?
I have to say that we have come a long way in our ability to deal with tough issues (even though we had a little disagreement tonight - but, I digress.) However, we weren't quite there at the time of this discussion. At some point, I asked him the only question that I should have asked from the beginning - What does it mean when you say someone is just a friend but won't tell me who they are? He explained to me that in Ghana when a person is referred to as just a friend it means that the person is not significant in his life and probably is someone I would never meet. Of course he was surprised to know that I had a different meaning for the phrase. We both realized that it was a cultural difference - a major difference.
That situation opened the door for us to begin to identify when our differences were our unique problems or just misunderstandings due to the differences in culture.
So what's one of your memorable cultural clash stories...
Wow girl... been through that one as well, know how it goes but sometimes still have difficult with it sometimes. My biggest culture clash I guess is public affection. You see in Ghana they don't show outwardly public affection. Here in the states it is so common and sometimes over the top and a little to much. But I was always taught if your not ashamed and love the person your with then you show it. Well it was hard for me to watch my steps in Ghana and how to not be offended when it wasn't showed to me when I thought it should have been. Almost made you feel as if he was imbarassed to be with me. But it isn't that at all. For example when we got married at the court first my husband hugged me before he kissed his bride...he said I was the first person and the only person he ever kissed in front of his mother, or in public.. But I told him it is our wedding day when we talked about it after it was all over but he was just explaining why he hesitated. I can understand I then started watching more closely and noticed that affection isn't shown the way it is here. But it doesn't mean they don't love or care... it is just the culture difference...
ReplyDeleteHe is more affectionate now but still very cautious cause it is still his culture and his country... But I know how much he loves me...
OMG.... yep been there done that... always wanna know who the friend is, like I know the person has a name just tell me... never knew their meaning of "just a friend". Thank you for enlightening me. I try to take a step back and question in a different way sometimes to make sure I understand comments that get made (especially by chat or text cause it is so hard to tell sometimes). There is still so much to learn but we grow day by day. Ultimately I know deep down that my husband loves me and in his eyes there is no other woman for him!
ReplyDeleteTo found true love in Ghana: Public display of affection! You have a very healthy perspective on handling that scenario. This is a major culture clash situation that I have heard discussed by other women and men. It is a perfect example of both of us needing the other to adjust through an understanding of our culture and our needs.
ReplyDeleteI am like you - just a touchy feely kind of girl - can't wait to be affectionate and show it often. For me, I don't even see other people when I want to show my man some affection - probably not always the best way to be, but, what can I say.
My husband said to me that this is new for him as it is new for me to not be affectionate. I realize that in the US being affectionate is often accompanied with being in love - so, we are at risk of possibly misinterpreting our husbands' limited displays of public affection. But, I think you have a healthy approach to this situation - you know your husband loves and you trust in that love.
My husband has given into me some in this area as I have pulled back as much as I can when in Ghana. We have agreed to respect each others culture when we are in our respective countries. Meaning that he will try to become more comfortable with this aspect of my life when he comes to the US as I have agreed to not expect or misinterpret his lack of displaying public affectionate when I am in Ghana.
I think this is a topic that needs to be explored in a relationship and the couple needs to find their way of satisfying each other. But, it definitely is one of the biggies in culture clashes in a Ghanaian/American love relationship. Like I always say - it is not about one person being right and the other being wrong.
When it comes to showing public display of affection, I ( USC) am more reserved than my fiance. I contribute my reserveness to me being shy and growing up my family was not the mushy- touchy kinda family. We loved each other and we knew it, but we did not do alot of kissing and hugging. I remember when my fiance tried to kiss me at Lababdi Beach in front of everybody. I almost died! LOL Not literally! I just turned my head so fast! Every since that time he has refrained from showing public affection. When he picked me up from the airport on my last visit I was shocked that he did not kiss me. I ask him later and he told me that, I told him I did not like to be kissed in public. (Which I did, but dang we had not seen each other in almost a year) We will be working on that when he comes to the states. Showing more affection!
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