I lost what I thought was a very best friend when I first got involved my husband. Unlike many others, we didn't meet online. I meet him while I was on vacation in Ghana - he was a very close friend of the family I stayed with while I was in Ghana. It was definitely not something I was looking for and had nothing to do with my purpose in going to Ghana. Frankly, I had made bold statements saying that I would not even give the men in Ghana eye contact if they looked my way - I was there on a different type of mission. To make a long beautiful story shore, it all happened so fast and so true. Let me just say that I felt the hand God over us when we met - He is still there taking care of us. Then I returned home - that's when the fun began!
I expected people to wonder what had come over the woman who vowed she would never get married again and here she was saying she found her future husband after 1 week (my trip was 2 weeks long, Ibrahim and I met at the beginning of my second week). I expected people who cared about me, and those who didn't, to wonder what Ibrahim's intention was with me - you know the story - is he just trying to get a green card so he can live in the great US!!?? Is he going to try to take all of her money (what money?). The one that surprised and disappointed me the most was one of my best friends. Let me make this story short by saying she is no longer a friend of mine. She objected to our relationship and couldn't find anyway to be a supportive friend. Needless to say I was devastated. I remember saying to her that I understood her concerns and I didn't expect anyone to see my situation as I did because they weren't in the situation. But, I expected my "best friend" to at least want to stay close to me - when a sister-girlfriend falls in love that is the time to stay close by in case she needs you not go further away.
It took me 2 years to come to terms with this loss - I missed her tremendously. I missed all of our late night conversations and I had so much I wanted to share with her about my new love.
This is just one of the prices I have had to pay for finding the love of my dreams - they say everything has a price! My husband is worth this price and more.
This was the biggest price. Of course, there were many other less significant nay-sayers. I was just wondering how my other sisters have made out with their supportive friends.
Talk to me people.
Sorry to hear about your frienship lost. We all want to think that our closest friends would be happy for us.
ReplyDeleteYour story is so similiar to mine. I too met my fiance when I was on a 2 week vacation. We also met during my second week in Ghana. I never had any attention on hooking up with anybody. I travelled to Ghana with a friend and we hook up with a friend of hers that was also in Ghana on vacation. He brought along a friend and brother. One of the guys happen to be my fiance. We all went out to Karaoke night and just as the fun was getting good my friend wanted to leave. Everywhere we went and she saw I was getting more attention she wanted to leave. Sadly to say, that started the downfall of our friendship. She was jealous of all the attention I was getting in Ghana. You know they know foreign people! I dont know why she was jealous! LOL! Anyway, I did not let her spoil my night or vacation. Being the trusting and down to earth person that I am I still hung out that night and we took her home. I was hanging like I was in my home country with a couple of strangers. He did not seem like a stranger because we hit it off so well. If I had not met my fiance the duration of my trip would not have been as exciting.We spent the rest of my vacation together. After I return to the States the relationship between my friend continued to go downhill. I started to distance myself because 1. How she act in Ghana and 2. She was jealous of the relationship that I had with my fiance. She was sure mention every chance she could about him being younger and that I was a cougar! LOL! I did not mind her and I went with what felt right to me. We are still friends but nowhere as close as we were before the trip. Honestly, If it was not for her persistence we probably would not have been friends at all today. We use to hang ever weekend and talk all the time, now we can go days without talking and weeks before we see.
Sheree, there are way too many similarities in our stories - lol! My husband and I have been together since 2008 and yes the separation is worse than having labor pains. However, second to the pain of separation is the reaction many of us have received from both family and friends. After 3 years, I think my family is pretty much on board now - was quite that way in the beginning. Again, I understand the concern about the unknown - I would feel the same way with someone I cared about. What I wouldn't do is to leave them alone in their journey. I remember my first year away from my husband. I so needed the attention and support of not only my friends but my family. I felt so all alone. I was very excited about my new love and the planning of my upcoming marriage. But I was also very depressed because I needed and wanted the women in my family to be there with me helping me plan and shop - no one was there. As the planned date got closer, my daughter started to get involved a little (she's doing much better these days with our marriage) and my mom came through on my request that she create my wedding bouquet - I knew that request would get some of her attention for me.
ReplyDeleteWhat I learned was that people have to go through what they need to go through when in a situation they cannot control like having a love one do something they don't agree with. But, I also learned the importance of being true to your love of family and friends as well as the value of standing firmly placed by the side of someone you love even when you are not in agreement with what they are doing. Granted, discretion still needs to be used because I am not sure that I can stand close by watching someone do something illegal. But, even in that case, I would always be on vigil just in case things went bad and they needed me.
I hope others are reading this discussion and maybe think about someone in their life who is feeling alone and in need of a friend to stand by their side even if it is to catch them if they fall.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteJust found you from visa journey-- and even though my husband is Senegalese, I can tell just by reading your posts that there are many similarities! We are stuck in the waiting game too.
As far as family and friends go, I was in college studying abroad when we met. I had been involved in leading a Christian group at school, and when they learned of my relationship (he is a Muslim), I was no longer allowed to lead. That was a huge blow, and I lost several friendships because of it.
The worst was my family's reaction to our engagement! Most of them were a little surprised when I told them I was leaving to get married-- even after a 6 month long engagement. One of my uncles even asked me about international divorce-- just minutes after I told them I was getting married! I could not believe it.
At this point (19 months later) most people are supportive, but no one really understands what we have been through. I'm glad I found your blog!
kt
To Kt: Welcome girlfriend! You have definitely found folks that can relate to and understand your journey of love. My husband is also Muslim and I have dealt with the ignorant folks who reacted to stereotypes of Muslims. Use your relationship to help to educated those whose knowledge about Muslims are limited to the US media. I'm not saying that our media is not telling or illustrating the truth - it is just one aspect of a small faction of Muslims. But life with a Muslim spouse for a non-Muslim, like life with a Christian for a non-Christain, is a topic for another discussion that I will post very soon to the blog.
ReplyDeleteI once asked my husband how is it that he can be married to a non-Muslim. He told me that the Quran speaks to your spouse must be a believer in God - that is where we come together, in our belief and love of God. Share that thought with your people as a good starting point.
Welcome to my blog - glad to have you and I look forward to hear more wisdom from you through your relationship.
My friend seems to be wishy washy. I do not think she has my best interest at heart and is just down right jealous and wishing for my relationship to demise. This, when I look back has been her character. We hang out off and on for years. Once I went to Ghana got married she returned with me and other friends and family members for a visit. She had no intentions on meeting someone and did. Now she is constantly asking me questions about my relationship especially intimacy questions, however never says anything about her relationship other than it's all good. She made the mistake more than once of thinking she could speak to my husband anyway even if he and I had a disagreement. In addition, when I needed her support during the process the closer it got to him coming she stopped calling. I just get text messages. My husband has been here for a while and she will call him as he called her to be respectful but I still get no calls just text yet I called her last. I am not sweating it as once I really looked back despite the few things that were positive we really were not friends due to her ever changing character which seems to want to be in everyone elses business but never reveal too much about her own be it the smallest things. Her S%^& don't stink,so to speak...but I know better than that as the man she met she met through me.
ReplyDeleteinteresting topic suga, i cant figure out if my best friend has been distant b/c of my relationship, which is also interracial. ill never forget moving out here where i live now, a friend asked me, so have you ever met a black person? this was back in the early 90s. i laughed, of course i have are you serious? there is 0 african americans around here, so i think its hard for him to understand how i could go to africa and come back in love. but what i dont get is, how does skin pigment bother anyone, seriously. ill be honest, i never in my wildest dreams seen myself with a black beauty. but love has no boundaries, so for our friends out there who are reading this, give it up, except us for who we are, and be happy for us.
ReplyDelete