My Last Post - The End of this Blog!

Well, this is the last post I expect to make in this blog. The last 2 months have been very interesting and I must say I have learned a lot as I shared a lot of my relationship.

To my sisters and brothers going through the visa process as either the petitioner or the beneficiary I wish you the very best. I pray that your love is real and strong enough to survive this journey that God has laid before you. I pray that you use the separation time to continue to prepare yourself for the one you have chosen and accepted to be your life partner. If I have learned nothing else through this short blog journey, I have learned that taking the time to really understand my SO is absolutely critical to my achieving the great relationship I so deserve. It is also important for me to be forthcoming to help him understand who I am and what is important to me. I see what happens when we hang on to small insignificant things that are not even real - i.e. worrying about women he has yet to meet. I have enough real issues to deal with in my life than to add on things that haven't occurred. I have learned to appreciate the love in front of me today - love in the moment, fear not the future, for the future will only be another moment for me to love more. As for the whole culture thing and differences - learn, understand, respect but then decide if what has been presented is really for me - I always have a choice and I don't have to agree with all lifestyles - but, I must know what is critical and non-negotiable to me.

Be wise in your assessment of your SO especially as it relates to an international relationship. No one wants to believe it will happen to them, but, people are scammed and lied to daily just to get to the US or to get money from a kind loving person. To use someone's heart in this manner is to me the equivalent of a mortal sin. If you feel you are in one of these relationships, don't hate on yourself, use the knowledge to strengthen and learn about yourself - by all means get the hell out of the relationship! Ain't no shame is knowing and saying it didn't work - but shame on you for not loving you if you knew in your heart something wasn't right and you stayed anyway. If you don't feel you deserve better, than expect to get the worse. It will hurt very bad to walk away - but it will hurt even worse if you stay. For those liars and scammers - do know that when you hurt one of God's children who have given you their heart there will be a major price to pay one day.  Like we always say - God don't like ugly!

Finally, what would my advice be for someone considering this type of relationship - get ready for the ride of a lifetime; what ever part of you is not strong will either strengthen or destroy the relationship; forget what you thought you knew about love because you are about to have one of the toughest studies in love that you may ever face and if you are successful you will be well prepared to step into the rest of the journey with confidence - but the risk of failure is extremely high because as someone else said on this blog - this journey is not for the faint of heart!

I am moving on to a new blog just for women in the near future. If you are interested in being notified when that blog starts, send me an email to visajourneyghana@mail.com and I will be sure to invite you to the new blog when it is ready.

I thank you all for sharing a part of yourself with me and others. May you continue to be aware of all the blessings God bestows upon you every day!

Healing through the Loneliness

Recently, one of my new sister girlfriends going through the visa process posted a comment on face book about struggling through missing her husband. She is generally very strong, but, was hit with a moment of the blues which she was struggling to break free from. Having connected with a number of people on face book who are going through this process at least once a month someone posts a similar comment about the struggle of the loneliness - myself included.


My intention with this post is not to open a discussion on the misery we feel from being separated from our loved ones for so long. My intention is provide a an opportunity for those who are interested to share a testimony of any healing or growth they have experienced through the loneliness as a message of encouragement to all of us. Before I give my own testimony I want to say that I do believe that sometimes when you are feeling bad you need to give it a place to be released and not always try to be strong and hold it in. Sometimes you need to just let that scream out and let those tears flow. I believe it can be cleansing - you just need to put a limit on how long you will scream, cry, or just sit around feeling the blues. Now lets get to some testimonies!

My times of loneliness have been far greater than I could have imagined. Some of it, initially, was because there was no one I could talk to about this wonderful thing that has just happened to me. No one wanted to hear about the man from Africa who was probably going to take all the money I didn't have and leave me broke and pregnant - wait a minute, I can't get pregnant! Any way - some of you know what I am talking about. The more distant friends and family became, the more time I had with myself. Let me tell you becoming your own company on a regular basis can take you to some places inside of you that you never knew existed or just didn't want to remember existed. For example, with too much time on your hands you start to look in the mirror more often and see things you didn't know had developed or changed on you physically in a negative way. Then you start to think about how long it will be before you see your fiance/spouse again and wonder what else will develop on your body that he/she may not feel is attractive. You know where this is going - to the "P" word - Paranoia. Then your little silly mind starts thinking about those other really attractive people that your significant other is encountering on a daily basis, let alone those they will encounter when they come to the US. Those other people who haven't developed those things you discovered every time you look in the mirror. Paranoia advances to the big "F" word - Fear. Now you are ready to find those other really attractive people that are just sitting out their waiting to pounce on your SO  - and you know where to find them - FaceBook! You know you can spot them in an instance by going through the friend list of your SO and reading through the coded messages these others have left on your SO FB page - then you do the stupid thing of confronting him/her on the comments and even though you know you sound really stupid you keep questioning your SO to make your point.

But when you are really in love and really trust in the love that your SO has professed to you, one day in the midst of the loneliness a calm comes over you. A calm that you identify as a comfort in knowing that you are really and truly loved by this person that you really and truly love. You look in the mirror again and you see yourself at a deeper level. You begin to see the part of you that is not quite ready to bring this person into your life because if you were you would not have doubted his or her love. That's when the loneliness because a healing ground. It becomes the place where you can meet you and begin the process of removing those things inside of you that have no place in your life any longer. You may do it through prayer to God or meditation. You may do it through exercising or reading self-help books. Whatever it is you begin to do the work to prepare yourself to be the spouse that your SO deserves. In time, you realize that the loneliness is really alone necessary time with you. I use to be sad a lot, and I use to cry a lot. Not anymore because I have found a new me in this process. I have found ways to use this alone time to do somethings for me. I have finally reached the point of comfort in my alone necessary time. I write, I pray, I read, I enjoy my music or classic movies, I cook, sometimes even exercise. I am enjoying my me time because soon - get this - it will no longer be just me and I need to be ready for that adjustment. I believe that as much as I will enjoy my husband being with me, I am going to always remember my time alone with me and I will find a way to keep a little of that in my marriage as well as respecting my husband's need to have his own "me" time as a part of our marriage. I am healed.

If you could give advice to anyone considering a relationship with someone outside of the US what you tell them?

As I think back on the beginning of my relationship with Ibrahim and our decision to become married I remember how naive we were with this entire visa process. We started out with the K1 fiance visa process and we just knew he would be in the US no later than 6 months - ROTFLMAO!!!!! We had no clue as to what this "visa journey" was really about or how difficult this process would be. So, here we are 3 years later and it looks like it will be another year before he might even get an interview for the second visa process. The journey that God allowed us to experience has proven to be priceless! Knowing what I know now I can say the time has been well spent and we have been blessed as my husband would say "abundantly". Unlike Ibrahim and myself, several of you who read this blog had the advantage of becoming thoroughly educated and informed on what to expect through the visa process including the current situation with the US Embassy in Ghana. I also know that, although the additional knowledge was helpful, it doesn't ease the challenges of being separated for so long. I do understand that each persons journey is unique as God planned, not as we planned. With all of this in mind, my question to everyone is this - If you could give advice to any US citizen considering a relationship with someone outside of the US who would need to go through the visa process, what advice would you give to them? I am also interested in hearing from the other side - the non-US citizen perspective - what advice would you give?

Womens Empowerment Movement is in Full Force in Ghana

My passion and life mission is being a part of any effort focused on helping women to live in their passion. Right now, I have a strong interest in what is happening with the women empowerment movement in Ghana. I found this wonderful article on that topic that says it all. I hope you enjoy and will share your comments as well.
http://blogs.myjoyonline.com/sms/2011/03/24/kwaku-sakyi-addo-empowering-the-21st-century-woman-to-transform-her-community/

"Be bold! Be free! Be strong! Be beautiful! Believe!" ~ Kwaku Sakyi-Addo

Recipe Swap!

Looking for tips and recipes on meals that our Ghanaian husbands might enjoy. I do plan on learning how to prepare the recipes he eats in Ghana. But how about some other recipes you have found out your man enjoys? I think my husband will enjoy some Caribbean and possibly Mexican. Personally, I love Indian and Mediterranean recipes - I am thinking those will also work for him. I definitely plan on grilling up some grub - I know he will enjoy it as much as I do.

Talk to me my sisters or brothers. 

God Bless the Child or Children

Considering the fact that my children are probably as old as or older than some of the people who read my blog, the issue of bringing a family together that includes children of one the spouses is not an issue I have to really deal with. Sort of not deal with. I know that my two grown babies and my husband will need to find their way in a relationship unique to them, but, I can't imagine the possible challenges that may have existed if they were younger. I don't really know for sure how involved Ghanaian parents are with their children beyond the strong discipline level that was quite evident and impressive - reminded me of my childhood when children were seen and not heard. When children didn't participate in "grown folk" conversations. Ibrahim and I have had some discussions about the possibility of us bringing a young child into our marriage and I have share with him what parent life is like in the US. Just remembering those days when my grown babies were kids brings back both memories of joy and a lot of tired bones - my bones! Here's a view of how my life was when my babies were really babies.

With their Father

My kids were fortunate through the first half of their childhood because they had the benefit of both a mom and dad living at home with them. Still - life was very hectic! Their father's job was as busy and time consuming as mine was and still is. It was not unusual for either of us to work past an 8 hour day, sometimes bringing work home, and maybe working on the weekends. I would say on average, per year, we both worked 50 hours or more a week - and we were not paid for overtime hours! Oh yeah - almost forgot, we had two kids to take care of during our long 100 hours of work each week. I am going to talk about life past the diapers and milk years - that time period is a novel all to itself.

Once they were both in school our mornings started out with me getting up first and preparing breakfast for the kids. Then the kids got up and I would make sure they were washed (they bathed at night - thank God) and dressed. While I combed my daughter's hair, their father prepared lunch and made sure book bags were ready. Somewhere in between getting them ready we found time to bathe ourselves, brush our teeth, and get dressed - maybe eat breakfast. At that time we only had one car so everybody piled into the one car and all the drop offs were made. We had to put the kids into after school care program because neither of us could leave work early enough to pick them up when school was over. Now after school care didn't play - you better get there before the end of the care period usually around 5:30 or you were going to be pay extra for every 5 minutes you were late.  Twice a week one of them had an additional activity after 5:30 - karate class or Girl Scouts or something else. God forbid the events were on the same day at different locations. On a normal day we were probably all home by 6:30 - now somebody needed to make dinner. Their father and I would share in this responsibility - whomever had the most energy would prepare the dinner. As my job began to get busier and busier, their father eventually took over fixing dinner while I helped them with their homework while trying to do my homework from my job. By the time dinner was prepared it was almost time to begin preparation for the next day which included ensuring that all homework was completed, all school papers signed by me or their father, their baths were taken, and their clothes were ironed. We would do what we could do to squeeze in some quality time with the kids - you know, doing the stuff you were looking forward to doing as a parent - enjoying your kid. Then the weekend came - woo hoo! Housework, housework, and more housework. Running the kids to play dates with their friends or another scheduled extracurricular activity and again trying to squeeze in family time for everybody. Sunday was clothes washing day and there were always a lot of clothes to be washed, dried, folded or ironed, then put away. Sunday was usually the best day for finding family time together.  Hmmm - I haven't said a thing about finding time for me and their father (my ex-husband). Now why did we divorce? I digress.

Just me as a single mom

Let's just put it this way, everything I said was handled above between two parents fell totally on me when I became a signal mom. Actually, it increased because spending time with them became even more important so that I could stay close to them emotionally while they both went through the terrible teen years. Their extra-curricular interest changed to events that sometimes involved everyday after school activities such as when my daughter was involved with drama programs in high school. She had practice every day when there was a need to prepare for an upcoming show. By this time we had a computer and they were on the internet - horrible time trying to keep up with what they were doing on the net - and I did intercept a couple of not so good situations. Not only was I trying to teach my daughter how to be a lady, I was left with the unfair to my son task of helping him explore what it means to be a man. Unfair because I believe it takes a man to teach a boy how to be a man - I focused on helping him define values that would make him proud to be a man.

The world had changed in the US whereas children could no longer be viewed as "seen and not heard". If you lost contact with your children you may have been at risk for loosing your child to some of the evils of the world - ok, so everything isn't always the best in the US - name a place where it is always the best. Here I was raising two children, working a full time busy job, and trying to finish up some of my education. As for a social life - few and far between.

Back to the point of the blog - I can't even imagine how I would handle all the things that I needed to handle as a single mom while helping my new husband assimilate into his new role in our family while he works to find his place in his new home and with me trying to do what I can to make it easy for him and minimize the impact of his presence on my children. WHEW! I should have entitled this one God bless the Parent who is trying to make all this happen!

Ibrahim and I are not even sure if we are going to be able to manage having a child in the busy life we plan to have together. If we do, I still think it will be a lot easier than for those of you who are blending a family. One thing we have agreed to is that it must be a shared responsibility to raise a child if we have one which means he must be involved in ways differently than how many men in Ghana are involved since, just like my first marriage, we both have to work and we will both probably be in school.

God Bless you all!

Husband - Head of the Household. What does that mean?

I had a conversation a few days ago with my best friend Alicia regarding some ideas we have been exploring about the work we would like to do in partnership with women in Ghana. The partnership we are hoping to create is one that would involve empowering women through advanced education. It was a wonderful conversation, lots of great ideas were generated. But then, I heard Alicia's brakes come to a screeching halt when I told her that there is one major issue that might be able a barrier to our mission - the perception held by some of our Ghanaian brothers and sisters of the role of women in addition to situations that appear to have the appearance of a caste system. "A caste system is a type of social structure which divides people on the basis of inherited social status."  I told her of my observations of how some of the women who appeared to be in domestic service roles were treated with less respect than other women. There were other behaviors I observed that presented a difference in how women were treated when not a part of the immediate family with the mother of a family given the highest amount of respect. Regardless if it were the mother or a domestic service worker, men still assumed the highest position within a family in many respects.

It is not my intention to use this blog to analyze my limited view of women in Ghana. However, what my observations have suggested to me is that a discussion must be held with our husbands regarding what it means for them to be the Head of the Household. More specifically, what does it mean in relation to my role as a partner in my marriage. Are we really partners if one is the Head? What is your definition of the Head of the Household in comparison to your husband's definition? What influence or perspective will the role women play in Ghana have on your relationship?

If you are like me, you have been the "Head" of your household for many years. The buck started and stopped with you. You make all the major decisions as significant as where you should live or what type of car you should purchase down to should you buy margarine or butter. Does the "Head" of the household mean that your decisions can be over-ridden by your husband and he must approve every action? Does it mean you have to report to him on everywhere you go and everyone you talk to and he does not? My sisters, you won't really understand his perspective on how he views his role in your home if you don't explore it from a situation perspective. He might tell you that he views both of you as partners - don't assume his understanding of a partnership is the same as yours. I am not trying to say that he is attempting to mislead you, but, you have to remember that his orientation to relationships and partnerships is different than yours. 

So, what if you and your husband have a clear agreement and understanding of the role each of you will play in the marriage and it does include expecting him to take sort of a more lead role (I'm trying to get use to even saying it - I got so much work to do!). I can see a need for an agreement on what he needs to learn about the management of the home before he can fully assume the role he might want to assume. Can you imagine how this action alone may emasculate him if we don't handle it in the right way? Our Ghanaian men are very proud men in their role as a husband and...head of the household (I can't believe how painful that really is for me to receive!).  Anyway, when they first get here they may be at a lost for where to begin in their new role. I see our role as a wife being very, very important at this point. We have to make it our responsibility to shore them up in a way that doesn't not make them look or feel diminished in their new role because of the adjustment and learning curve they will have in the beginning. I think the more we can do to begin to educate them before they get here on what is involved in managing a US home the easier it will be. Some basic things include the management of a bank account because some of our men have never had to deal with a bank account since they tend to do most transactions in cash. Consider reviewing each of the household bills with them to help them understand how the billing systems work - I am making my own personal note to do this one with my husband. Send them a copy of a grocery receipt to begin to get them accustomed to what you spend on groceries and what you buy and why.  How about US currency - are they familiar with it? You can find websites, like the following, to assist with understanding US currency 
http://www.universitylanguage.com/guides/us-currency/ . How about sales tax and let's not forget income taxes? Are you going to have 3 bank accounts - his, mine, and ours or just ours?

Again, this is not about right or wrong - I am just saying you shouldn't assume that you both have the same idea of the role each will play in the household. Awww - don't forget to talk about housework!